
12-20-2011, 09:37 PM
Whenever I try to sing ANYTHING, even if no one's home and it's just for fun, like singing along with a song on the computer...I just think too much about stuff I learn in chorus. Why am I getting chorus involved in like, a t.A.T.u. song or a Tokio Hotel song? Why can't I just sing like I used to, normally?
I feel like I have to think of notes and timing and such. I don't even want to be a professional singer! I'm starting to have second thoughts about wanting that mic for christmas.
I don't want to FORCE myself to like singing again, but...I was so happy and carefree about it. I wish I could just go back to my carefree, non-stressed 12-yr old self, or my 14-yr old self.
Ever since I entered high school, I threw away the things I enjoyed the most: singing writing (although I did write a bit today)...I was so determined to learn how to voice act mostly just for fandubs, but I have no confidence in acting.
Although I did like that small part I got in that film festival. XD But...when I think of hobbies, I feel like I'd HAVE to go to college for things I like, and it'd be a JOB.
I don't WANT to get paid to sing or write or voice act. I wouldn't enjoy it anymore. You know why? Cuz I'd feel stress and have to be perfect.
I've become such an obsessive perfectionist ever since the HESPA (state test for graduation), college...I haven't even LOOKED at colleges yet!
I don't want to. I want to spend my life doing these youtube things for enjoyment. I'd rather just work at some job and make cash.
I can't enjoy life anymore. It's so annoying. And I don't know what to do. And I sit on here all day to daydream about things I could learn and be...
And I abandon my hygiene and...ugh. I wish I could be an 8th grader. I fucken hate being a senior.
The second I'd start singing "Darkside of the Sun" by Tokio Hotel, for example, I would immediately think, "What would college choirs want?"
I don't even WANT to be a music major. Sigh....The only thing that makes me feel good is that I'm in a film festival movie.
I'm always sad or bored. Nothing makes me happy. I don't know what to do. And nobody can help me. They can all just DIE.
Mom is always pissed and stressed about work, and I don't want to listen to her shit! I have my own shit to worry about! And I just...........I don't know.
Mom, shut the fuck up. All I want to do is socialize with people, sing again, write without overthinking, and be happy. And make videos and be famous. That is all.
God, I just want something to do! I applied to several places for a job, and none were hiring. I only got two applications, but decided to work at neither cuz they were both scams.
I also want to apply to the ambulance corps. Every single second of the day, I think about college. I think about my 2.8 GPA.
I don't know what I want to do, and I don't want to be bothered. I just want to make my youtube show and sing and make my dream show or movie come true. That is ALL.
Sure, it'd take YEARS to become any type of producer, but what kind of schools do you go to? God, I'm stressing. Half of my grade has applied to places...
I don't even have my driving permit and I'm almost 18. I'll just live with my parents til I'm 80 and never have a boyfriend, be kissed, or have sex. I'll just get old and fat and die.
And I'm sick of being pessimistic. Thinking happy thoughts does NOTHING, it only makes me sadder cuz I realize how much life sucks.
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