Whenever I try to sing ANYTHING, even if no one's home and it's just for fun, like singing along with a song on the computer...I just think too much about stuff I learn in chorus. Why am I getting chorus involved in like, a t.A.T.u. song or a Tokio Hotel song? Why can't I just sing like I used to, normally?

I feel like I have to think of notes and timing and such. I don't even want to be a professional singer! I'm starting to have second thoughts about wanting that mic for christmas.

I don't want to FORCE myself to like singing again, but...I was so happy and carefree about it. I wish I could just go back to my carefree, non-stressed 12-yr old self, or my 14-yr old self.

Ever since I entered high school, I threw away the things I enjoyed the most: singing writing (although I did write a bit today)...I was so determined to learn how to voice act mostly just for fandubs, but I have no confidence in acting.

Although I did like that small part I got in that film festival. XD But...when I think of hobbies, I feel like I'd HAVE to go to college for things I like, and it'd be a JOB.

I don't WANT to get paid to sing or write or voice act. I wouldn't enjoy it anymore. You know why? Cuz I'd feel stress and have to be perfect.

I've become such an obsessive perfectionist ever since the HESPA (state test for graduation), college...I haven't even LOOKED at colleges yet!

I don't want to. I want to spend my life doing these youtube things for enjoyment. I'd rather just work at some job and make cash.

I can't enjoy life anymore. It's so annoying. And I don't know what to do. And I sit on here all day to daydream about things I could learn and be...

And I abandon my hygiene and...ugh. I wish I could be an 8th grader. I fucken hate being a senior.

The second I'd start singing "Darkside of the Sun" by Tokio Hotel, for example, I would immediately think, "What would college choirs want?"

I don't even WANT to be a music major. Sigh....The only thing that makes me feel good is that I'm in a film festival movie.

I'm always sad or bored. Nothing makes me happy. I don't know what to do. And nobody can help me. They can all just DIE.

Mom is always pissed and stressed about work, and I don't want to listen to her shit! I have my own shit to worry about! And I just...........I don't know.

Mom, shut the fuck up. All I want to do is socialize with people, sing again, write without overthinking, and be happy. And make videos and be famous. That is all.

God, I just want something to do! I applied to several places for a job, and none were hiring. I only got two applications, but decided to work at neither cuz they were both scams.

I also want to apply to the ambulance corps. Every single second of the day, I think about college. I think about my 2.8 GPA.

I don't know what I want to do, and I don't want to be bothered. I just want to make my youtube show and sing and make my dream show or movie come true. That is ALL.

Sure, it'd take YEARS to become any type of producer, but what kind of schools do you go to? God, I'm stressing. Half of my grade has applied to places...

I don't even have my driving permit and I'm almost 18. I'll just live with my parents til I'm 80 and never have a boyfriend, be kissed, or have sex. I'll just get old and fat and die.

And I'm sick of being pessimistic. Thinking happy thoughts does NOTHING, it only makes me sadder cuz I realize how much life sucks.

You could try thinking a little bit more happy. What you typed didn't sound happy at all nor did it seem like you tried to be put yourself in a better mood. You're over-thinking things because you're in that stage where your life is taking on a whole new world. Like the Aladdin song, A Whole New World. :D Nothing is good nor bad in the way you're thinking, you're over-stressed and should relax. I have no idea why you're so self-conscious on your singing ability but you probably should let that go. Your mom has the right to bitch and whine about her problems, she's the one paying for the house bills, the water, etc. If she wants to bitch, she can, just let her. You can ignore her and listen to some music and try to relax. Don't think your singing is horrible or how you're not enjoying it. Think in the now, not what it should be. If you want to be the happy self you were back then, you can't but you can strive to become whom you are now. Since you're growing up and taking in responsibility. College? Think about college when you want to think about it. What you want to do is find out what you want, what you're passionate about, and how you're going to achieve it. It doesn't matter if what you enjoy becomes a job but it also should matter since you wouldn't want a desk job if you love singing so much. What should matter in the now is what you are enjoying and how you're enjoying yourself. Don't enjoy yourself too much, since you have to study and stuff but be content and strive for the better of yourself.

This helps me when I'm stressed:

Let me have the courage to do the things I can do,
the serenity to accept the things I can't,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

When I'm thinking too much about stuff I read, or right an angsty poem or song to make me feel better.
If you're bored, to volunteering-places always need those. If you can't get a job I'd do that, just to take your mind off it.
For college, just apply to places you like-a bunch and have one fallback college that ur sure you'll get in to.
College is important, you can't get anywhere in the world w/out it.