Alright, I just wanted some feedback on the first couple of paragraphs of a story I'm thinking of taking up. If you could feedback for me, I'd be amazingly appreciative. :insane:

Jordon watched the faint signal on the TV that sat in front of her. The old television, one of those big, boxy things, was grainy and on occasion would trail, lines traveling up the screen and screwing with the picture. At these times she'd shift, adjusting herself so that her body no longer blocked the signal, and then she'd go back to watching the set. Waiting. Listening. After about thirty minutes of this, she reached over and shoved the TV over into the junk pile again, the plug ripping from it's body. Bare wires sparked angrily and one sparked out, touching her finger. She jerked with the resulting spark and yanked her finger back, staring at the blackened spot on her nail before sucking on her finger. The residual tingle faded away and she eventually moved on.

It had been months since she'd seen anyone. Maybe even years, seeing as she'd lost track of the time. She was afraid to go much further than two streets down from the junk yard, hoping and praying that perhaps, just perhaps, someone she knew would come find her there. She slid down the pile of junk that she'd been sitting on, looking for that TV signal. But it just replayed the same thing over and over.

Danger! Please go under cover. The Asteroid is about to hit. Warning, this is not a drill.

The words echoed in her head and she shivered, turning her eyes to the sky. She hadn't seen the sun since the day she'd gone underground. Instead, thick, heavy, roiling clouds of dust and water sat heavily over head, occasionally raining down in a fine, black dust or in thick, muddy droplets. Today it was just dry and hazy. The temperature was neither cold nor hot, the air itself cold from a lack of sunlight but a hot breeze coming from the direction of Impact keeping the temperature neutral. She was still scavenging for food, much as she expected anyone else was doing. She had her underground shelter, yes, but she was rationing those rations as much as she could to last her until she was either found or until the sun came back.

The thought of food made her stomach rumble in protest and she shivered a little with the pain of it. Wrapping one arm around her middle and pressing down on her abdomen, she headed towards the underground shelter three blocks away from the junkyard. Heaving open the safety doors, she started down the ladder, pressing the button for the pneumatic lock, the hiss of air making her hair ruffle before the door clunked into place and the lock hit home. She sighed, remembering the sound from the first day. Her father had gone to find her brother... her mother had gone to find her father. And in the end, she'd had to hit the lock so that she could survive. She just hoped beyond reason her parents had done the same.

She dropped the last few feet onto solid concrete. Her father, along with several other men of families that had never made it, had built this cavernous space, and as soon as her feet hit the floor, the lights flickered on, the red LED's conserving the energy that was limited from the generators that ran on ancient Petrol. She blinked, allowing her eyes to adjust to the red glow, then moved down the hall to the first door and sat herself in her 'station', flipping on computer and television screens that connected to cameras scattered throughout the neighboring blocks, watching the screens intently for any signs of life among the bones and ruins of the once thriving city. She had a feeling that something was about to happen.

The next morning, when her gut feeling of change didn't come true, she made her way out of the hole in the ground shelter. She turned, looking at the rubble strewn surroundings, her hole blending right in.

"Well... if I need to escape someone... I can." She murmured softly to herself as over-active imaginative thoughts of the corpses around her turning into zombies danced through her head. She shuddered, glanced at one dissentigrating corpse and turned away. Surprisingly, despite her inital aversion, the smell wasn't that hard to get used to after days -- or was it weeks? -- of being surrounded by the pervasively sweetly rotting smell. The sight was something els though and not something she enjoyed staring at for very long.

She was walking around as usual. Half scouting, half just trying to keep herself in some sort of active shape instead of turning into a blob by staying in her prison. A snow of dust started falling and she pulled her shirt up over her nose, using it as a filter. She turned her steps, making her way towrds a shop nearby where she'd raided into the face masks and pulled out another filter, leaving the box since she didn't feel like carrying it around.

The blue mask over her nose and mouth securely, she continued to walk the circumfrence of her barrier. It wasn't a physical barrier, but more a mental one. Within this space, she'd determined, she was safe. If anyone from beyond the city who had survived came this way and decided to be violent; she could run the distance to her hidey hole without having to stop for breath. She also knew the terrain well.

About that time she saw movement off to her right. She froze, turning her head towards it cautiously. She didn't spot it right away, but eventually relaxed. A rat. Several actually. She watched the animals cautiously work their way over and around bodies. Before they got to close, she continued her way so they wouldn't get to near.

So preoccupied was she with the rats that she failed to notice the second movement behind her now, off to her left and outside her safety perimeter. That didn't mea though that the person didn't see her. Covered in fatigues and a gas mask, the tinted goggles hiding their eyes and a helmet covering their head, the anonymous individual lifted their gun, bringing her into the cross hairs of his scope, watching her intently.

Whoa! This is really well written. A very intense beginning! The only thing I can think of that's a little off about it is she might feel both hot and cold at once, instead of it normalising. But that's only a minor thing.

@fairywaif: Thanks bunches. I don't think I ever mentioned that her body temperature felt normal... just that the air was neither hot nor cold. You're probably right... but I'm thinking of when I'm at the beach and I feel 'normal' because even though it's hot, there's a cool breeze coming in. This is basically just the opposite. :sweat:

She had just reached the point where she was halfway around her circular perimeter. Pausing, she looked around. Nothing had changed, but the fine dust snow had turned into pelting droplets of mud. Her skin turned brown with the covering, she tried to squeegie the mess off with her fingers, getting as much as she could off her hands and off her face. She'd have to take another bath when she got home.

She moved over to a relatively sheltered spot and sat, reaching down and pulling off her thinning shoes, slowly rubbing her feet as she looked out on the muddy rainfall. At least it was covering everything. Fresh dirt... hiding the destruction and horror of Impact. She took a few deep breaths and leaned back.

It was this action of relaxing that she finally caught him. She froze, perking up suddenly as she turned her head quickly. The movement had stilled, and she couldn't be sure that she had really seen anything. Shaking, now scared silly despite that it could be nothing, she got up and bolted.

She knew she had had every right to run when she heard the heavy footfalls behind her. She ran faster, legs pumping to get her to her shelter. She reached the doors and braced herself to pull the door open, gripping the heavy seal and heaving.

The door fell open just as the person caught her, grabbing her around the middle and pressing a blade to her throat. "Don't move." The raspy, metallic voice came from beneath the mask. "Or things will get a whole lot worse for you." The voice added menecingly as the stranger turned, keeping their hostage pressed against their body as they looked down the hole.

The suspense...