Just to make this a little easier, I'm boldfacing different secions of this. It is long, I don't expect anyone to read all of this. If you specialize in help with different thing, just read through the boldface ad pick what you want to give advice on.

Love Life:

Bisexual issues. I'm coming to terms with myself, it's not like I've had a problem with liking women more than me, it only concerned me since I have a male lover. Many say you don't stay bisexual for long, you usually pick a side as you get older, a small percent are truely into men and women. I don't think I'll have that problem with picking women over men or men over women. Honestly, the only man I've ever been sexually attracted to is my current fiance. It's just that I still have sexual dreams about women more than men. It's not like I'm crushing on any girls right now, it's just that my dreams are bugging me to all hell. I talk to my lover about it, he understands and says if I wanted to fool around with women, I can. i won't because it's still cheating even if he gave permission. He's far from keeping his head straight between women and 3-somes are out of the question. Really, though, it is getting a bit frustrating.

Unforgivable past. My lover can't keep his head straight. He had abandonment issues from his father, now he has that mindset that any girl that offers him the time of day likes him. It's gotten bad. The reason I despise Gaia is because I busted him cybering 4 different girls in 1 night. He lied, told them all he was single. I confronted these girls, they told me the same thing that he said he was single. They felt bad for it, they even messaged him telling him they found out he had a girlfriend. He got banned from Gaia the first time for cybering. Every time I hear the word "Gaia, I just want to smack him. He's been ridiculously unfaithful. apparently he was cheating on his girlfriend with me, I didn't know until we had been together for 10 months, they broke up a month after we first got together. I wanted so badly to end it, but his brother and my friend pushed us back together because when I tried to end it with him, he wouldn't talk, eat, or do anything. For his health, we were shoved together. In time, i forgot about how bad it hurt, but then I caught him on gaia. All the pain came back, I was going home and telling my mom that after 2 years, I was breaking up with this guy, but when I came home I found my mom dead in her bedroom. I was so overwhelmed with this and so busy with funeral nonesuch that I just couldn't break up with him. It's not like he's ever hit me, the night she died he was there in a heartbeat, he cared for me and came by every day when I had my tonsils out. Even 15 minutes with this guy every day was more than enough to make me smile. I positively love him! He hurt me, though. My heart is broken in pieces. So why is it that I won't break up with him? After so long it just feels wrong being apart. My heart will never feel the same. I can't forgive him, I'll die not forgiving him. I would feel worse if I wasn't with him. The way he makes me feel everyday is magical, I don't want to lose that. Not only would I lose the best thing I had, I'd feel awful for the hurt. I'm not ready to break up. I'm not. Why am I even posting this if I don't need help? Why do I post if I know everyone is going to say to leave him despite my reasoning not to? This is a mere rant. I've made my final decision on this matter, but my heart aches and if I don't say "yeah right, you don't know what it's like" in response to all of your "leave him" replies, I won't feel any better. It seems to help me. This is what this is about, help, right?

Family:

Sibling rivalry: When my mom died, my half sisters claimed my mom was their mom (they were never blood related and they talked smack about her and hated her). My sister is a realator nd she pushed our house into foreclosure after mom died and pocketed the sales money. They haven't notified me of anything of any money made or lost from selling the house, but it is sold. My personal belongings were still in that house and I visited for the estate sale to find that my personal belongings were being sold and my stuff requested from the house was somewhat saved. I had to move 10 hours away from LA, my hometown, it's hard for me to get my stuff especially since I don't have a license. I think they might have even trashed my stuff since the sale and mnot put it into stoage like they said they would. We have a split desert piece of property, they refuse to give me my key until I "grow up," meaning until I side with them on the court issues. "Someone" changed my current residence to my old house, the one that was sold, so I couldn't get my court notifications. I've lost everything, my sisters betrayed me, I lost most of my stuff, my home is gone, my parents are dead, I'm just saying "to hell with LA." I still dwell on things at night like how I couldn't save my mom's collections and those family photos are gone. I didn't get family photos and there were boxes upon boxes of them! I want to sue so bad, but with what money? How wrong would it seem if I sued my sisters? They can easily blame everything on the attourneys, which they have, the attourneys point the fingers at my sisters and the law, who do I sue then? I feel like I'm just a failiure at family.

I want to go home, where is it? Down south, after my dad died, my mom drank, smoked, and got high until she was so numb she couldn't function. in 9 years, she totalled 4 heart attacks, 3 siezures, 2 strokes, and skin cancer. I believe the cancer is what got her, I saw a special on Tv about how you can live about 15 years with cancer, then something in you ruptures and you die. There was blood everywhere when I found her, but it was no murder scene. It was definitely internal. The cops insisted it was a heart attack, no one bleeds from that. LA cops are blind, I swear! For the longest time, she was a heavy sleepwalker and some very creepy thing happened at night. I hardly got any sleep propping my back against the door so she couldn't come in my room at night, if I failed Ihad a windchime rigged to my bed so I would know if anyone came in. Before, I've called friends and family and asked to stay the night, anything to get me out of that house. I hated going home. No, it was not my home. The city was my home. I hate the folks there. I got tons of crap for being the only white kid in school, I have ever since I was little. I didn't have my first friend until 8th grade when someone decided that despite all the rumors, I was someone worth talking to. I was bullied almost every day until they spoke to me. I was getting homesick after I moved here, I visited for Thanksgiving. It wasn't the same. Many of my friends graduated high school the ones that were still in high school weren't talking anymore. It didn't feel the same as when I left, there was unity and friendship. When I was round them, I was happy. Now that I've been gone, everyone changed. The only real home I though I had changed. Here, it's nice. I'm in college now in my first semester. My family here though is far more atheist than I like. I use atheist int he term not only "does not believe in any religion" but "does not believe in anything. We have ants in the kitchen coming from a spot in the top of the window, no trail leading from the outside in, almost as if they have a trail through the walls. They don't believe that this is possible and that is is coming from the outside. There's a brown widow spider in the car a week after we go to LA, brown spiders are native to the south. They don't believe anything called a brown widow exists. This is exactly why I don't want to come out to them, there's a 62% chance they won't believe me. Even when I come home from ASL and I try to tell them that the sign for "shirt" is pinching the part of your shirt between your neck and shoulder and they say it's cheating and not real sign language. They don't speak a lick of it and they didn't believe me! It's frustrating beyond belief. Almost every time I talk to them I feel like I'm going to get some sort of criticism and no positive feedback. I don't mind a mix, but it feels like I'm constantly being put down. I don't want to stay here, but I'm a full time student, I have no time for a job, I can't support myself on financial aid alone. I need more. I don't wamnt to go back south, it's just sickening to me. i don't feel like I should be anywhere now.

Stalkerisms:

There's this creepy guy at the college that's been stalking every girl in town. He's been saying things that are highly inappropriate, along the lines of "show me yours I'll show you mine" stuff. I got him to stop stalking me. I reported him to the police, they can't do anything about it intil one of the girls he's attacked comes forth and speaks, but they are too afraid to in fear of reprocussions. My main fear is my lover. It seems that when we're in the cafe, stalker tries to touch my love's backpack and look though it. He had the audacity to sit at the same table right next to him and when he thought he wasn't looking, go though my lover's papers. I'm concerned this guy may hurt him but the police wopn't do anything about it. I've tried going into the courthouse to get a restraining order, but I couldn't. I had some "risky" art supplies in my bag, either I give up about $100 worth of sharp utinsels and never get them back, or leave. I can only get this thing after school. I can't ditch a day of class, we ALWAYS have something due. I can't miss ASL either because if you miss 1 day of language, you miss a huge part of the language. We don't review much more than a "remember, we did this sign last week?" For this guy stalking the girls in town, I've made it clear to delete all relatives from all my social network pages, delete every public comment that had my real name on it, and change all my locations to some random place to make sure this guy can't find me. Even at the college, I make sure to tell everyone when asked where I live "Somewhere" and whisper that theyre's someone I don't want knowing my location. This guy is harassing every girl in town, the police can't do anything, I feel completely unsafe, and I really don't know what to do.

Wrapping It Up:

I really do feel like I should probably go kill myself. I don't fit in, I've somehow got a sufficiently messed up life and I have no clue what I did to start this, I don't feel safe, and I feel generally stressed out. I know that anyone who says they're going to kill themself and has any sort of fear or phobia is just looking for attention, really I don't think I'd have the guts to jump out in front of a car or stick a fork in an electric socket. I'm just so freaked out right now that I feel like I may just have a heart attack in my sleep and die. It's not that I fear death itself, I just fear that there's so much I have to finish before I die that I can't go yet. Who will take care of my pets? What will become of my boyfriend who says he'll kill himself when I die? How many people will I make sad (which is something I hate doing, making someone sad is the worst feeling in the world to me)? There is too much to do and so little joy to do it.

I actually read all of that. x.x

For your love life: Sounds like there is a lot of small problems floating around in your head and your heart. Don't ignore your gut feelings because sometimes it knows better than you do. The best part of relationships are being able to have fun together, but you have to learn to be happy without him too. It's healthy not to depend on someone else so much. I'm not telling you to leave him, just figure yourself out more. I wish the best of luck for your both. (:

For your family: I can't really put any input into that sort of stuff, sorry.. Sounds very depressing and awful. This sort of stuff happens, but losing both your parents and getting stuck with a step-sister? You sound very lonely and that really sucks. But you're in college now! I'm a freshman also, but I've made more bffs there than I have in all the years I've been in high school. If you don't like "your friends" then its time to get new friends, huh? Try something totally different that you know your other friends wouldn't like but you would. Art class, hanging out in the court yard, or just watching the swimmers. It's a great way to just meet people. I don't mean to sound super bubbly, because I know the world doesn't work that way. But just a little change, you know?

For the stalker thing: Wow, that's very creepy.. .___.;; Keep fighting the police on the thing. You might look whiney and bitchy about it, but you need to keep pushing them to do their job, which is to keep you safe.

It's true, you don't have the best life in the world, but you do have a life.
Think how amazing you'll feel when you end up figuring out everything. And you'll seem so much more stronger later on because you've had to deal with the worse already. Both my parents are supportive, so I have no room to talk, but I've been sort of in the same spots as you. A few days before my seventeenth birthday, my family was kicked out of our house and I slept in a car for week and had to keep that secret from "my friends". And with my boyfriend going to college in a different state, I didn't see any point in wanting to be alive. When I told them, they didn't really seem to care and that's when I figured that it was time to make changes in my life. I cut out friends (years of drama and bullying came with that, still get a few drunken "you're a bitch" phone calls) and I did things that I found more amazing. I come from a poor family, so I know its hard to do what you want, but just thinking positively helps.
"Oh, my cat died? Well I hope her ghost sticks around and her soul goes into a new one and finds me (:"

You should really talk to someone about your feelings.
Therapy was good for me, because I can whine about my life and they can't say shit about. It's not just for crazy people, it can be for your too. They are one-way friendships. They ask you "How are you today" and don't have to say "Fine, and you?" Because you know you don't care how they are, it's all about you.

I hope I was a little helpful.. If not, sorry.

@The Real Nikki (and not The Fake Nikki *sorry, couldn't help myself*) Your advice it pretty helpful, if nothing a pretty good read. At bare minimum in the "love life" section you haven't given me the same old this and that everyone else has.

RE: love life, you have a point/ I should consider things more than I do. I will try to keep this in mind.

RE: family, Actually I have 2 step sisters wo, up until this thing, hated eachother. Now they've banded together. It's 2 versus 1. as for friends, it's not like I don't keep in contact, we all still talk through facebook, it just feels like everyone is too busy now to meet up with me when I visit. I have made a few friends here, but when I do it's hard to stay in contact with them. We usually get to the point of exchanging numbers and then we never find anything to talk about and the frienship dies until we see eachother randomly between classes at the college. How can I keep up friendships?

Re conclusion, I do have to see a therapist, it's just not as relieving as it should be. I've had so many bad therapists that just nod their head and prescribe you with some sort of drug to make you happy and then you have to pay then $500 when you leave. i finally get a good one and it's just hard for me. many of my little issues dissolve before I see her and any of my major issues have little or no solution.

I hope things smooth out soon, still.
I can't say much else. :P

Well I have to say that was a longer read than I expected when I clicked on this link, but after I started.. really.. why is there a reason to stop? I hope I can help you in some way.
Nikki is right; when you get some more of this taken care of you're going to feel a lot better. And about the love life thing, personally I wouldn't say to break up with him if you really don't want to. If you didn't feel like you were going to fall apart, and there wasn't this much going on, it might be more of an option. But it sounds like you really need him in your life. And yah, if you can find more people to talk to and laugh with, talk about real things, people who understand you. Believe me they are out there. That could help a lot. I do think it's great for you that being with him gives you a magical sort of feeling (: That's awesome. Hold onto that when you can. I think part of the problem is that, well, you have soo much going on that you really do need help in your life to feel more secure and at home. It might take a lot of it too. So him being there is something you need. But maybe he doesn't feel like he needs you as much. I don't mean to say this in a rude way, I am sure you are important to each other, also have feelings for each other where you really care. What I mean is, how much are you involved in his life as compared to your own? It should be something that you experience together, and when he has problems, that you help him with that but mostly you are stronger as a team. Try to do something fun together, go on a nice walk or look at the stars.. Do some kind things for him like give him a few presents or maybe cook for him. It's a distraction from feeling like you wanna sigh and cry and such.. and also helps with your relationship (: I know that I've had a lot of drama in my life too and it's not really the same kind of stuff as for you but it still things that I have had to work very hard to work with. I cant stand my family life right now. But when I make little cute drawings for my fiance or send him a few chocolates then it makes me feel like I have more of a purpose, and it's something positive. So just think about that from time to time. You do still have him in your life and that is something to be grateful for (: I am veryy sorry for the loss of your parents. It must be hard (that's an understatement) to think about that and try to cope with that, especially while you're still young. You're not seven, or eight, or even twelve. You're in college now. But right now this is hard and that's the truth. It sounds immensely hard. But at the same time, you know things about yourself now and about others where at least it isn't so confusing. You can spot a stranger who wants to stalk you from someone who just wants to give you a cookie. You have seen sides of people that, well, Idk how they sleep at night either. But for the reference, the whole world isn't like that. I didn't feel home emotionally until when I was 14, I became friends with the guy who is now my fiance. I didn't feel physically home until I took a trip to Japan. Everywhere else I went felt more empty than I would have wished, and it's different for each person, but there is certainly still hope. I won't be able to tell you where your home is. I don't know you as a person well enough to be able to say something like that. You don't even seem to realize it yet. But as you make your own life, more will be clear about what makes you happy and what doesn't. I mean truly. And whether you believe in god or you think that he is someone from a fairy tale story or whatnot, whether you believe I am here to help you or that I am really a nasty person on the inside.. whatever you believe, the truth is, that you have the potential for peace of mind, for love, endurance, and.... happiness.. It's very obvious to me that you have already endured a lot. Kudos to you (: You should be proud of yourself!! The darkest nights you have waited through, scanning the horizons for some kind of relief. You have felt cold and alone, left in shivers and hungry for a good life. But if there's anything that I've learned while i've lived my life, after the snow melts comes spring.
Love life, so you're staying together. Pain may visit you from time to time as it does for many.. Whatever you choose on your love life is up to you. I just hope that your bonds can be strengthened enough so that you are faithful to each other in the best you can be through the rest of your lives together. The past cannot be undone. More than saying "I love you" though.. sometimes people forget what that means. Try saying something like how important he is to you and what it was like when you first realized your feelings for him. What you want it to be like in the future, what you admire about him and what you would do to keep your relationship. If you think it would be too overbearing to say all of that at once, makes sense.. but at least use some of them sometimes. If he weren't so important to you, so precious.. then things would be different. But he is. I can tell he is. So obviously you have good, possibly great or extraordinary memories together, even if it's just the small things adding up. (:
I think the next best thing to figure out is your home. If it's away from the stalker, that might fix that problem.. same with, you won't have to be around those people who criticize and judge you so much. (: My personal plan, you can take it or leave it.. well my family has tons of problems that I don't want to carry with me as luggage so I'm making my main concern to enjoy my life with my fiance and get things together so that I can move and start a new, happy, safe life of my own with him. And being like that, even thinking about that I dream about it and I feel more relieved, knowing that I have an opportunity to make something better of my life if I want to. I don't have to be a drug addict or get pregnant young like my sister.. I don't have to waste my time running away or getting into violent fights, landing myself in jail, starting court cases against people I don't even want to be around. You have that same opportunity. So make a game plan. What do you want to do.. Get married? Ok get married. Finish college? You can transfer later if you want but yknow.. just follow your dream. Foggy or not it's there somewhere. Even if you have wanted to give up on it. Even if you think the world has given up on you. It's still there for you to dust off and put on a pedestal. It's soo easy to feel stuck but really, you're an adult now. You have more options of where to go, what to see, who to be with. And however you want to make that come true, you can. Just be sure in the process to have positive, intellectual, strengthening things around you. Heck, you can do a quote a day sort of thing to help you out. Put a flower on the table.. idk.. But whatever you figure out, it's yours. Even if your parents are gone you can still make them proud, still talk to them, still remember them and have a smile on your face of all of the things that you would be doing with them. And maybe you will get to see them in another life. you never really know. No matter what it is.. you don't have to worry so much because you know that you are doing something that you believe in. If you can get that far then you can do so much. Good luck out there and I'm here to still talk about it if you want (: I'm sure you still have more to get off your chest : p bad, good, whatever. And you know why? It's because you live ^_^ keep it that way >.> or else Imma haunt you and swat your hand >.> lol. No but really. Don't giveup. I've almost walked out into a really busy road. I've cut myself. I've lived like that, all depressed and feeling so stuck. But now.. I finally finished high school, Imma look for a job, in that not spend as much time in this haunted house.. and invest in my future. (: It's just a different to do list is all. I hear back from you nao? X3