I actually have quite the dilemma at the moment, perhaps one of you will sympathies with it, though I doubt it, somehow I doubt there are many other married women with a 6 month old on here. I just really can't seem to talk to anyone in my home town about my problem without it starting a large amount of drama that I really don't want in my life, so I have no one at all to talk to about it.

I'm 24, my husband is 21. We'd been dating off and on for about 2 years and talked about the idea of getting married in a few years when we found out we were going to have a baby. It was January of 09 when we found out, and after some talking and deliberation we decided to just go ahead and elope before she was born, just to help simplify the process. We agreed back then that it was something we'd already wanted, but had just been waiting on for appearances sake (as we knew so many of our family would say that we were to young to get married.) and I genuinely felt, and continue to feel, that that is true from my end. I love my husband, and he is the only person I have ever loved in this way. We also agreed that we weren't getting married because of the baby, we were just doing it sooner than expected for her. I even told him back then that if he wasn't absolutely 100% sure that it was what he wanted, that we wouldn't do it. He pleaded and assured me that it was.

Well, now, not even a year after getting married, things are a little tense. He has quit wanting any kind of physical relationship, works late, and barely even talks to me. I work nights, 11p-7a, as the night manager&auditor of a hotel, and he usually works from 4p-10p as a pizza boy. He refuses to look for any better work, saying he likes the people he works with to much (surprise surprise, they're a bunch of high school and college age people who just like to party all the time, and over half of them are 16-20 year old females. Nothing against this grouping of people, just not really the kind of work for a married man with a family.) We don't make that much money, and barely made insurance for our car, can't afford health insurance for ourselves, and have to have C.H.I.P. insurance for our daughter, yet somehow he's bought an xbox 360, a ps3, and 46" lcd tv since we've been together. He stays up till 4 and 5 in the morning playing video games (now, don't think I'm complaining about the games, I'm an avid gamer myself, but I just don't think they should be the priority anymore) and then whines at me when I ask him to get up with our daughter in the morning so that I can actually get some sleep before I have to get up when he goes to work.

I've recently confronted him about all of this, and tried to get him to tell my why things have gone this way. He admitted that he knows what he's doing isn't right or fair to us, and says he still loves me and wants to be with me in the long run, but feels like we robbed him of his young adulthood. He doesn't want to be a parent and he doesn't want to be in a monogamous relationship. He also told me that his lack of interest in me physically isn't because he's no longer attracted to me, but because he is "sick of only getting to fuck one person" and doesn't feel that it's fair to be 21 and not able to get a bar hook up from time to time.

The sad part to all this is that as much as I'm beyond pissed at him for all of it, I still see his side of things. I know that everything he is doing and saying he wants is completely unfair to both my daughter and myself, but I still feel kinda bad for him. How fucked up is that?

Now I find myself at a terrible decision. He says he wants to leave for a while, still send money to help us out, but just leave for a while, maybe a few months, maybe a few years, whatever, and then just come back and pick up like its fine. This, is not ok, at all. I'm not just going to wait around for him to decide he feels like being a part of our lives again. At the same time, however, I don't want a divorce, yet I would never force him to stay if he's truly that miserable with us. I've thought of a trial separation, but I just don't see how that would be any different that what he said he wants to do. I just don't know what to think any more, or what to do. I want to give my child the best life I can, and that is my number 1 priority. After that, I do want him to be happy, but I just can't justify letting him walk all over me like that. At the same time, I do want him in my daughters life, but I don't want him to hurt her the way my own father did me by only being there when it was convenient for him. The broken promises, let downs, and just general lifestyle that I was ashamed of my own father having is exactly what my husband is now saying he wants, and I'm just not ok with her having to grow up the way I did.

This is a situation I never, ever expected to find myself in. I'm hurt, torn, and feel more helpless than anything. I just wish he would have even given me the slightest inkling that he wasn't ready for all this back then. I never would have married him in the first place. I never wants to make him feel trapped, I just genuinely believed he was ready for this, and he did want this, mostly because that's what he kept telling me repeatedly back then. Now here I am, lost and confused with a beautiful innocent little baby to take care of, who didn't ask to be caught up in any of this. She just wants to be held and loved and played with. How do I tell her when she gets older that daddy just didn't want to be with us anymore? Or if I choose to tell him I do want the divorce, how do I explain to her that mommy wouldn't wait around enough for daddy to decide he did wanna come back? There just doesn't seem to be any answer in all this that isn't completely horrible.

I'm sorry to hear about this, BlackSwan. I might not be able to offer the best advice but I do want to see if I can offer something. First off, you shouldn't feel bad for him. -.- You said you gave him the chance to wait for marriage when you found out you were pregnant. If he thought he would miss "the good life" as to me it seems like he considers the carefree ability to screw anyone he wants, he shouldn't have gotten married. Now, speaking on my opinion, I rather be with that one person and our child than to worry about what diseases I could get. My boyfriend and I were 22 and 20, respectively, when we had our first child. Never had the thought of what "good times" we'd miss out on cross our mind because being with our kids means a lot more. (>.>; Even if they get to be a handful, lol.) When you have a child, you have to grow up. It doesn't matter what age you are. If he can't understand that it's not about him and that it is about your daughter, I don't think he should stay. Being a parent is a huge responsibility; one that you accept every time you have sex.

I believe you would get much more response in the Life Issues Forum. I'll go ahead and move this along for you. :)

I think... I'm going to have to come back to this again to give coherent advice. But for the time being, I can jot down some of my thoughts about what you said.
The buying of the electronics, the company he is keeping, his activities, i.e. playing video games when he could be helping you... They show a lack of foresight, in my mind. He may even be a bit out of control... it may be some work for him to snap out of it/grow. The question is do you want to stick around for that? It may be detrimental to the whole family unit... upon that added stress, you would have the underlying issues you are talking about now. This could lead to arguments and general discontentment, which for a child, even such a young one, is not the best environment.
On the other hand, if you let him go... well, there is a decent chance that he won't come back, especially the more time elapses - it becomes harder to get back into that mode. And the damage to your mutual trust would most likely have already been done.
Have you considered counseling? I realize you are on a budget, but I think a councilor would help get to the bottom of things. Maybe you could find a church with a councilor that has some decent training, and is not influenced unduly by church doctrine? I suspect they could offer some gratis counseling.
I really feel for you on this. At the moment, it must seem like a no-win situation. I will give it all some more thought.

I'm going to be blunt but straight...and I hope it helps.

1. Take control of the situation, don't let him push you and pull you and push you and pull you etc.

2. Tell him how it is. Don't be nice, Don't be regretful, Don't show any sympathy for him at all. Tell him, that if he leaves, he is not welcome back into your life. You can't prevent him from seeing his daughter that he obviously didn't want. Which by the way, it's not going to hurt your daughter having the father out of her life, more than it's really going to hurt her when her father is in her life and feels rejection/regret all the time from him. If he's going to leave you, he's going to leave you so be as strict, straightforward, and blunt as you can be with him. Showing control, may just save this...but it may not.

3. You are married, so tell him that when he divorces you...you will be filing for maximum child support. The courts will most likely side with you, as the reason for divorce is his complete immaturity and nothing else except he wants to get laid by other chicks. Trust me, that doesn't look good at all in court.

4. Don't whine and try to keep him to stay if he does tell you he's leaving. Doing this will only push him away farther. If he thinks/knows he can have you whenever he wants at his mercy, you will never keep him loyal or happy with you. And most of all you won't be happy either. So when he leaves, help him pack, try to shed no tears, give him no satisfaction of hurt feelings at all if you are able. Talk to your friends, talk online, cry your eyes out AFTER he leaves...but do not let him see it himself. Remember, you need to be the one in control. If you show no compassion, no concern for his leaving, one of two things will happen in his mind. One, he will be immature and be thinking "cool, I'm outta here," If this happens in his mind, then he is not worth your attention and you are better off without him. Two, he will leave with the impression that you don't care if he leaves or not, and will most likely try to contact you or plead with you to let him come back in a few days or weeks...if this is the case....tell him you will think about it and get back with him. This will leave you in control as now he is completely under your mercy and he will know that he cannot just come into your life whenever he wants to get back with you. The less control he has of the situation, the more likely he will return. If you love him, let him go...if he returns, he loves you back. If he doesn't he doesn't love you he will only be manipulating you as long as you let him. Don't wait any longer than a month for him to contact you asking to come back. If he takes more than a month...he is not worth your time and doesn't really care about you. If you do let him back in after a month, he will manipulate you and not love you. Plus, you have your own life to live, so if you feel the relationship is worth keeping, give it a month.

5. Don't let this affect your baby. Do not withhold time and affection from her because of your loss of feeling due to your husband. Love your daughter and make her the center of your life, trust me, she will be your lifesaver in this situation.

6. when you are ready to move on from the husband if he doesn't return, find another guy, but look for a more mature and responsible man, one who is willing to take care of you and the child both.

Well, thats my advice...take it or leave it.

Tutela de Xaoc

I was in sort of the same situation.

My ex-husband and I were even younger, though, I was 17 and he was 18. We got married the year I found out I was pregnant but I never chocked it up to being pregnant because we had been talking about getting married for a long time before the I got pregnant.

It didn't take long for it to all go to shit, pardon my French. But the fact is that he was the same way as your husband. He would go to work earlier, he would stay after, he would go out to parties while I stayed home. He was also likely to play games all day long and "forget" that I had asked him to do something as simple as clean the bathroom while I was at school. Ugh, it was a completely one-sided relationship. Eventually, I discovered he was having an affair. Well, the first time it was just inappropriate conversations (which I believe were much more, to this day) and I asked him to stop talking to the girl and he did. For awhile. I couldn't understand it because I was ready for marriage but he wasn't and the fact is some guys will never be ready for marriage. Since the divorce he's had two more kids with different women.

And I know that he is not healthy for my daughter so I only allow him to have supervised visits. When she's older, I want to be able to talk openly with her about what's right and wrong and I think you should feel the same.

Maybe the best choice for you, however, is to see a marriage counselor. Have you tried that yet? I know they help repair a lot. I feel like my marriage was too far gone to be saved because he was always a bit of a "man whore." But if your husband isn't having an affair, then I suggest that.

And I know money might be a concern there but if you're a member of a church then maybe you could find someone there.

But if you've tried that then maybe a separation is best. Sometimes that shows the other party all they will be missing. Or sometimes it brings everything into a real perspective. I know a family right now with two little boys that's struggling because the dad has decided he loves his wife as a best friend.

Honestly, if you can talk him into seeing a counselor that is my first suggestion. But if not, then try the separation. It will be tough, I understand that but you have to realize what sort of happiness is your daughter going to know if she's being raised around unhappiness?

And as for being able to explain things to her if things take a turn for the worse, the strongest and most understandable thing you can tell is that you were young and rushed into a commitment that you two weren't ready to. You will be able to explain to her so that she will understand and as long as you can keep a good relationship with her father in a friendship way, then you don't have to take him out of the life completely.

What I do with my ex-husband is once a week visits. And his mom, dad and sister are usually there as well. I don't think it's healthy to take him away completely but I also hope she understands that the way he lives isn't healthy either.

It's a tough situation but it's doable and your daughter will live a completely happy life. You just have to be open and honest with her.

I think your understanding for him comes from being a few years older than him but honestly, you shouldn't feel bad for someone just because they feel like they are missing out. To me, the most precious and important thing in my life is my daughter and I'm only 21 myself. I do wish sometimes that I could be irresponsible for one day, but I know in my heart that I'm happier at home watching Barbie movies with Micaela than anywhere else. And if he doesn't feel the same way then he's not ready to be a parent, in my opinion.

Alright, I'm deferring to Estrella on this. We seem to be on the same page, but more than that, her advice is coming from experience. Whatever you do, I wish you the best of luck, BlackSwan.

Well I can try...

From what you've written here...

Sounds like you've got someone who's afraid to look at himself. His mind and body must be saying something that he hasn't taken the time to understand. Unfortunately, work and party mode don't help much with figuring out what your mind and body are saying to you. Instead, those modes will get him partied out, depressed and achy in a couple of years with nothing to show for it... and somewhere deep inside, he will be thinking... "Well I gave up a life-changing experience in favor of being the same as every other 21 year old". The only way he's going to be satisfied is if he understands why he feels and acts the way he acts and the only way that will happen is if he starts being honest with himself. It's okay for him to feel like he's missing out, but it's not okay for him to just ignore some of the beautiful gifts he's been given that he can learn and grow from.

My advice:
Tell him you love him and you aren't judging him, but you don't think he's being honest with himself and it's causing him to take things for granted. He only has once chance to see his baby grow up and yet there will be parties until the end of time (besides, one or two nights on the weekend is more than enough for a lot of people his age). If he still wants to keep partying the same way, just let him go (or tell him to move out if needed). He needs to start learning by being emotionally honest, mentally ready, intellectually challenged and spiritually open instead of avoiding learning all together and clinging to something that superficial. If he's still too troubled to be a dad... maybe he will be a good dad when he becomes an adult. In the mean time, it gives you a chance to separate you and the baby from his problems. Knowing when partying is not appropriate is part of being an adult.

I mean, heck! I'm a soon-to be-19 year old (19 is legal drinking age here) escort (legal here at 18) and student who lives away from his parents and even I know that clubs aren't anything special after the first time you go out (and yes I've gotten in before - in a 21 state most of the time actually...). I love clubbing, but I wouldn't mourn the loss of them if I had to stop going out. It's a part of life and it can be rewarding, the same way anything in life can be.

Just take care of yourself and the baby. :)
Give him a fair chance to change, but don't let his problems become yours. It's his problem if he can't grow up, not yours. Don't build your life around his problem. Either he starts growing, or he gets left behind until he can figure it out.

Going along with what everyone else has said, if all else fails, just get out of the relationship.
Don't stay with the guy just for your child.
It may seem like a good idea at first, but it'll fall apart in the long run.
Kids are very intuitive about their parents & their relationship. (especially when they have their friends' parents to compare it to.)
They know when things aren't right, & will eventually figure out that you don't love each other.
& then, they'll blame themselves for your unhappiness. Because they'll come to the conclusion that you two are only together for them, & that's why you two are unhappy. & that leads to the whole "it's all myfault" thing..
This is all coming from experience, by the way.
SO.
If it comes down to it, just leave the guy.
Don't stay together just for the sake of your child :/

All of his actions are screaming immaturity. Playing video games that early in the morning, whining about not being able to "fuck another person", it's all immature crap. It's also incredibly selfish.

1. Make sure your daughter comes first. I'm sure as a mother you already know this, but if a seperation or divorce happens then you might get a little wrapped up in other things. Make sure you plan for if something like this happens. How are you going to support yourself and your baby? Is it going to be safe to leave your baby home alone at night, and if not where do you take her? Also, make sure your daughter as a 'father' figure. Whether it be a good friend, a brother, a cousin, your own father basically any very trustworthy male at least your age or older. A father figure is a very important thing when your growing up. Your husband isn't being much of a father right now because he's so focused on himself. If for some reason living with him becomes unhealthy, then be prepared to move yourself and her away.

2. Hate to be singing the same tune as your family but you guys probably rushed it. The idea of being a parent is a lot cooler than actually BEING one(it's a lot of hard work) and he's realizing this. I can imagine he feels robbed of his young adulthood, but again he's being immature. I'm sorry to hear your physical interactions aren't what they should be. Taking sex out of a marriage can really put a damper on things(although usually it's the female doing it). Try and get him interested again possibly. Maybe set a little extra money aside for some toys or something to make it more interesting. A lot of guys if you can get them to a certain point, something clicks and they don't want to stop(Sorry guys, but it's true).

3. If you guys are having money problems, then request that instead of buying new games or game systems outright, take back some of the old ones he doesn't play anymore and get store credit(at least this works for EB Games & GameStop in the US). If you have some extra time in your day, try to learn a new skill that could possibly land you a higher paying job. Don't rely on him to bring in the money because it's somewhat obvious he doesn't really care. Although I still wouldn't take the pressure off of him to get a better job. Also, don't get jealous when he looks at other girls. The fact that he's not liking being in a monogamous relationship typically means he is abiding by it which is why he doesn't like it. You've got better things to worry about.

Really, just prepare yourself for the worst because then if the worst does happen you'll be better off than you thought. Because you have a baby, it's critical that you be thinking into the future. Also, if he bought anything with your paycheck, feel free to take it back, because you earned that money and he spent it. He can have those gaming systems when he earns the money himself.

Hope your situation turns out well.

Hearing this kind of thing makes me furious. It sounds like he is totally being selfish, but I guess better now than later. He is not being a man and can't accept responsibility for his actions. He obviously is not ready to be a parent and doesn't really deserve to be part of the child's life, but I do think child support is definitely in order. I think everyone else has given you solid advice on how to act towards him not trying to get him to stay, (easier said than done when you truly love someone) He really needs to know the ramifications of his decisions should he continue down this road. As far as the physical attraction, why couldn't he have figured this out sooner? This is just disgusting to me, I hate people who string others along who insecure with their own person. I really feel bad for you, and more so for the baby. It's not going to be easy, you are going to hurt a lot, but clean break is the only way. Even if it means moving away(if you have the resources) and starting all over. Maybe he might come to terms with everything and decide this was his decision and be mature about it, but I wouldn't count on it.

Well dear, I can tell you one thing. If he does leave to "take a break" you're taking a risk at him not coming back. however, yes, sometimes they do come back, but most of the time they don't.

I know you've probably heard this at least one hundred times, but I really and truly feel like he's got a lot of growing up to do. Deep down he's still childish, and that's not good for you guys. You made your decision and did what you had to do, and it's not fair that he's not doing his part.

I know it's easier said than done, but If he does leave to take his little break, don't even consider waiting around for him because like I said, he's more than likely not even going to come back. I'm not going to say that he's not going to think about you and your child, but if you stop and think about it, he's wanting to go out and meet other people and live the life that he wants to live, and that's how it's going to be for him. He's being selfish, and you need to find someone that's not going to be.

I'm not sure if what I had to say will help you in any way, but I really hope that it does. If you need someone to talk to at any time, please feel free to message me and I'll help you in whatever way I can.

Sorry for the delay in coming back (internet issues both at home and at work) but I just wanted to say thank you all for the great advise you've been giving. I appreciate it SO much. Even just hearing how many of you have been in similar situations has given me a great bit of strength. He has agreed to see a councilor, even though he is very non-religious and I am agnostic (I believe in god and praise and worship in my own ways, I simply don't feel that I need a church or person to tell em the right and wrong ways to do so. I just think everyone finds god's love in their own way, be it in a church, or in the middle of the woods, and I will never disrespect or tell anyone they are wrong for the means they find him in) he was raised catholic, and the former head master of his school does allot of couples councilling. He actually made contact with the Priest and asked him if he would council us, and set up the first appointment, which is something I already take as a huge step since up until now he's left ALL planning and household responsibilities up to me, even his own doctors appointments and eye exams, calling to pay the bills, or set up appointments to look at new apartments, it's always been my job to do it, so this was actually pretty huge (sad isn't it that such a small thing should be such a big deal?) Also, I've set my foot down on allot of issues, and made him sit and talk with his parents about all of this, and they have agreed to help me should he leave, though they do not condone his leaving and expressed their disappointment in his actions. Not that I am willing to depend on others, but at least I know they will help me by watching my daughter while I'm at work so she will still be in a loving home environment while I'm there, and they also agreed with me that if he should want to see her he will need to do so at their house if he leaves. We talked about setting up a time each week or every other week where one of them will be home at all times when I can drop her off with them for a day or a weekend and he will be aloud to stay in the guest room (as his old room has been in the process of being turned into her room for when she visits since the day they found out we were having a little girl. Grammy and Pap Pap spoil her already)

I'm feeling much better about myself and my daughter getting through this no matter what, and I know that no matter what his choices bring him to, he can't hurt me anymore emotionally. We've already crossed that line, and although I still love him, and wish we could stay together and be happy, I am braced and bolstered against the bad and as ready for it as I can be. Thank you again for all your help everyone. It really means more to me than you may know.

Originally Posted by BlackSwan317

Sorry for the delay in coming back (internet issues both at home and at work) but I just wanted to say thank you all for the great advise you've been giving. I appreciate it SO much. Even just hearing how many of you have been in similar situations has given me a great bit of strength. He has agreed to see a councilor, even though he is very non-religious and I am agnostic (I believe in god and praise and worship in my own ways, I simply don't feel that I need a church or person to tell em the right and wrong ways to do so. I just think everyone finds god's love in their own way, be it in a church, or in the middle of the woods, and I will never disrespect or tell anyone they are wrong for the means they find him in) he was raised catholic, and the former head master of his school does allot of couples councilling. He actually made contact with the Priest and asked him if he would council us, and set up the first appointment, which is something I already take as a huge step since up until now he's left ALL planning and household responsibilities up to me, even his own doctors appointments and eye exams, calling to pay the bills, or set up appointments to look at new apartments, it's always been my job to do it, so this was actually pretty huge (sad isn't it that such a small thing should be such a big deal?) Also, I've set my foot down on allot of issues, and made him sit and talk with his parents about all of this, and they have agreed to help me should he leave, though they do not condone his leaving and expressed their disappointment in his actions. Not that I am willing to depend on others, but at least I know they will help me by watching my daughter while I'm at work so she will still be in a loving home environment while I'm there, and they also agreed with me that if he should want to see her he will need to do so at their house if he leaves. We talked about setting up a time each week or every other week where one of them will be home at all times when I can drop her off with them for a day or a weekend and he will be aloud to stay in the guest room (as his old room has been in the process of being turned into her room for when she visits since the day they found out we were having a little girl. Grammy and Pap Pap spoil her already)

I'm feeling much better about myself and my daughter getting through this no matter what, and I know that no matter what his choices bring him to, he can't hurt me anymore emotionally. We've already crossed that line, and although I still love him, and wish we could stay together and be happy, I am braced and bolstered against the bad and as ready for it as I can be. Thank you again for all your help everyone. It really means more to me than you may know.

You're really brave for being able to stand up in adversity. I hope you're heart heals soon and all the pain goes away shortly. Separations are never easy, it should be a crime to break someone's heart like that, but that is just my opinion. Life is really short, but you will find someone else who will love you so much more.

I think that it's great that you guys are going to try and work things out . I wish nothing but the best for you, and hope that everything works out for you.

Be sure to keep in mind that when speaking with the councilor, be sure that you both tell him everything that you feel needs to be said. Don't leave anything out because that won't help the situation either.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, good luck to you my friend.

Thank you both so much for the encouragement. Just as an update, we found a new place as well in a nicer part of town closer to both of our jobs and within walking distance of most of the stores we visit regularly. Before we were way out in the middle of nothing along a major highway. We're going to start taking the time to go out and walk together with the baby in her stroller just to talk and get fresh air while spending time as a family. (And I made sure the place we found is something I can manage on my own should he decide to leave after all, even if he were to disappear and not help out, which I can't imagine happening. Better to be safe though.)

I don't know what to say, but I'll take a try anyway:
Swan, you're a very very brave woman and deserve way better. Whatever this 'better' may be. I wish you the greatest of luck, and hope everything will be okay and less... Curvy. Something sure and less worrying. You're great to be this strong and honest. You're well on your way, I hope you'll reach the destination. You've got my blessing to not get lost on the road, may the girl be your guide. Hold her hand and let her choose, don't get distracted by the man hoping to throw you off your road. Ugh, I don't know where that came from, but okay. I hope you got what I meant...

Thank you so much diamondt for the encouragement and wishes of well. It's amazing to me how many people have been so understanding and sympathetic here. Menewsha really is a wonderful community, and my thanks to everyone for there love and support. Isn't it funny how much just talking to people and getting it out can really help in the hardest situations? Just talking on here has already helped me so much. People have given me a fresh perspective, and strength to deal with this no matter what. I think that confidence and new more balanced look at this has actually enabled me to be more open and honest with myself and with my husband. He seems to have more respect and a greater willingness to try now as a result of it. Perhaps it's just that my confidence and my ability to tell him with total honesty that even if he leaves i'll be ok has caused him to stop and take a better look at what he has? Regardless of the cause, the outcome has certainly been positive all in all. I honestly don't know if it would have been had I not opened this forum thread and talked to all of you.

BlackSwan, I thinks it's great you put your foot down. I'm glad you got him to see a counselor and involve himself more in your guys' family (walking with the baby, like you said). I can't see if it'll work out, but I do wish you the best. I remember my parents were in about the same situation (just a tiny bit older) when I was born. My father was so involved in his work, and he even offered to go overseas. My mom said it seemed like he cared so little for us. Eventually, things got worse. My dad didn't really want to change, I don't think, and then they got into fights. After a while they divorced. Honestly, I'm really happy. Both of my parents remarried, but my dad changed even more. He married a horrible woman with a horrible daughter. My step mom would hit me when I got there, but I don't go anymore. I still talk to him and love him, but my step dad is more of a father figure to me. I'm happy about where we're at as a family, because my mom is happy and loves my step dad and though he isn't very emotional, I know he loves us. So I hope things go well for you, but remember you have to consider yourself too. Of courze, the baby is the number one priority, but some times you have to think about your happiness too. Good Luck! ^.^

Not sure if anyone is still checking this from time to time, but I just wanted to give a quick update. We moved into the new apartment. Things are going a little better, but he's falling through on a good third of his promises. He does seem to really be trying though, so I think I'm going to be patient a little longer and see how things pan out.

Life has changed dramatically and the hubby is trying his damnedest to sink back into the more carefree teen years. You two definitely need marriage counseling. If you go to church then your priest/pastor will help you, if not, then you need to go find someone. Your hubby needs a big wake up call. He actually thinks it's more important to get laid then to be there when his baby girl takes her first steps? Or looks at him smiling and squeals out daddy for the first time? Yeah, he needs a boot to the head in a big way. From what you've said, I don't think he sounds like a complete asshole, he just needs to get his act together. And on a side note, if you really do end up getting divorced, try to do it quickly and cleanly. Make it as painless on your daughter as you can. The younger she is when it happens, the easier she will adjust to it in the long run.

Edit: Oh snap. I guess I should have read more then the first few posts...

I just want to say that I'm a living, breathing, fully-functional example of a single mother household.

And honestly, your daughter will NOT be missing a thing. I personally hold a lot of resentment for my father, but my situation is vastly different in many aspects, although he's just as, if not more immature, than your husband.

Anyway, I wanted to toss something new to the responses everyone else gave: it's possible. You're obviously a strong-willed woman, or else you wouldn't even BOTHER seeking help! This is a good thing, that you're capable of asking for help, as well as recognizing the situation you're in. It means anything is possible.

My mom is 100% independent, and has been for the past five years. Before then, we lived with my aunt and uncle for four years. Before THEN, I lived with both of my parents. Needless to say, my father hasn't been in my everyday life since I was nine; and, for that matter, I haven't seen him for five years now.

I'm eighteen, and, in my humble opinion, strong as hell for not having my father in my life. He was all kinds of irresponsible and immature; he was addicted to cocaine and burned his foot while steam-cleaning a fan on-the-job. He went to rehab shortly thereafter, albeit for only a month or two. During that time, I moved in with my grandmother. I was six at that point.

When my father was finally released, we moved back in, but soon lost our house, since my mom was a waitress and my father obviously couldn't work because of his foot injury.

Then we moved, and my father found his new addiction: the firehouse. He spent well beyond most of his time there, hardly interacting with me and my brothers. My mom, fed up with his immature ways and overall apathy towards their relationship (luckily they weren't married; I'm grateful on a daily basis of this, since marriage makes things messier), left him after a year of living in this new house. I moved into my aunt's home in early 2001, a few weeks after my ninth birthday.

We were well-off at my aunt's house. Better off - immensely so. My mom worked her butt off, waiting tables while she went back to school to earn her nursing degree. My brothers and I visited my father every odd weekend or so, although there was certainly still a detachment. My father continued his wonky ways of smacking my older brother senseless, which he had done for most of, if not all, of my brother's life. Not bruise-inducing, per se, but definitely unfriendly and hateful. My brother still has emotional and trust issues because of him.

Anyway, eventually my brother said something or other to my uncle, who we were living with, which was a bit too... smart-assy. My aunt and uncle were extremely generous for letting us stay there, because they themselves had been unable to have their own kids, although they were married since before my older brother was born, and had been trying through various mediums since. Anyway, my uncle chased my brother around the house, my brother called my dad out of fright to pick him up, and thus began a month-or-two-long allegation against my uncle for "abusing" us.

To make a long story short, my little and older brother were BOTH alienated from my mom, aunt, and uncle by my father and his sociopath of a mother/his stepfather. They genuinely believed they were abused by my uncle, and I was the one negating that, saying that there never had been any abuse. My brothers hated me for a bit because of that, and I am still behooved that those "outlaw-in-laws" (my father's mother/stepfather) had the audacity to warp my brothers' minds like that. My little brother was too young to even comprehend what abuse was, and my older brother was too dull in the head to do anything but listen to what people told him.

Moving on, it came down to my mom having to move us out of my aunt's house so that "my brother would feel comfortable to come home," blah blah blah. She hadn't saved up much money, but nevertheless she had enough to put down on our very own house.

She doesn't get ANY child support, and manages to work 36-44 hours on the weekend to get us by.
She's been sick since December of '04, which was about six months before we moved into our own home. She has a slew of diseases, ranging from the epilepsy she's had since she was seven, right on up to her Sarcoidosis, Neruosarcoidosis, and a couple other ailments. She's been on chemo (pill/injection; not the actual hospital fiasco) since November, and just this week started her Remicaid meds for her rheumatoid arthritis, which alone has made her practically bedridden since she got it yesterday. Hopefully it'll help her beat this illness some more, but who knows? She's also on steroids, and is hardly herself anymore; she's a swollen version of herself, and hardly happy most of the time. But she keeps trucking through, managing to get by without anyone's help but her own.

At any rate, I just wanted to tell you my story to highlight that, yes, it's possible to be an amazing, bad ass single mother. It'll be tough as nails undoubtedly, but at least you only have one child. I know for a fact you'll be wiser next time, since, as I said earlier, you can see the situation you're in, which is more than what a lot of women can do in similar situations. A lot of women are, well... Clueless. Blissfully unaware of the magnanimity of their plight. I hate to be so blunt as to say that, but it's true.

There's hope for your daughter, and there's hope for you. Get both of you the HELL out of that situation before it breeds more trouble for you. Take my words into consideration, anyway; I can't and won't tell you what to do, but I can definitely provide an example as to the bright side of getting the heck out. Although my mom is as sick as a dog, she's capable of supporting a family.

Like I said, it'll be a tough thing, being a single parent. But maybe you'll meet someone who'll treat you nice, and who will be the right kind of man you need. Nevertheless, don't fear being alone. Your daughter will surely be more than enough company for you, if you'll let her. I'm sure she'll surprise you in her strength, since that's what we kids do. :)

Regardless of the decision you make, my thoughts, hopes, and wishes are with you. Let whatever road you're meant to take lead you to happiness. :heart:

Sorry for being so wordy and being unable to condense this. You don't have to read it if you don't want to! :gonk:

Life is much too short to waste on a man who doesn't even know what love is. He's not mature enough for you. Move on. I think you should raise your child perhaps you'll find another man who would love to help you raise your child? When you are ready to look for another, if ever, be very cautious.

BTW Facade, I resent both of my parents....!

I have to say this, because it's guys like this, that make the rest of us look bad. Seriously...."I wanna go bang other chicks". Really dude? How freaking pathetic can you get? Be a man and step up. It's your responsibility, your duty. Deal with it like a man. Be a father to your daughter, and stop being such a douche-bag. And grow up and drop your nut-sack, and be a husband to your wife. Treat her with some freaking respect. A pizza joint? And your trying to support a family? Come on man, grow the f**k up. Gahhhh!! People like that piss me off. /rant.

Anyway, I'm glad to see that you took the initiative and took steps to prepare yourself and went through the necessary steps with him in the event he decided he wants to take the f**k off. I hope you didn't sugar-coat it, he needs that slap in the face. Wish you the best of luck, and YOU GO GIRL! :P

Hey thanks again everyone! You guys are all seriously the reason I'm getting through this, and also the reason why I will swear by menewsha as one of the greatest social sights ever. Your support lets me be strong and keep faith in myself through all of the bull s**t and drama. Thank you, and I will keep everyone updated as things progress.