Only the best Crossover crack fic ever written by yours truly. If anyone else claims to have written this behemoth I will personally write mean things about them, because I have the hand written bit somewhere along with drawings that go along with this.
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"We are not nearly brutal enough; this is what we have decided." The king of all Cosmos was spread out lounging as he held his tiny son in the palm of his hand. His head was blinking and the patterns were constantly changing in both colors and distinction of patterns. It was very distracting, but not nearly as distracting as his outfit. No where near; the giant white neck frill, the open blue floral shirt, the purple tights, especially the royal purple tights, and the way he was sitting wasn't helping either. "We will start you out in a Haus, we want you to collect all things bleak, sharp, metal. Yes we want a Katamari of sharp metal things. You will get this for us. Something brutal"
The world started to fade around the prince as he found himself being transported to whatever place his father wanted him to go. "Sending things to Earth…Knives…Crows…Giraffes…Blood…Teleprompter."
The small green prince found himself in a blindingly bright room nothing like he was used to, bright vibrant bold colors, and still the stark opposite of what he was expecting, dark and brutal. Sparse furniture, white blankets and rugs, Spartan architecture. Rolling off the fluffy fur covered bed, blatantly ignoring the unwanted ramblings of his father from beyond, he began to wander the room. The floor was covered in a variety of things that seemed like they were wantonly sprinkled around the room like glitter, many of them obviously didn't fit in with the rest of the room. But he didn't question and duteously rolled them up anyways: guitar picks, loose change, caramel squares, orange slices, strange foil squares. Soon he was big enough to roll up some larger objects and his father reminded him that at this new size he could now leave this room and explore others. Clearly he would have to as this place was boring as hell and most of the things were now too big for him to pick up. The door miraculously opened on its own as he approached it leaving the room and entering the hall.
As the small multi-colored lumpy ball had rolled out of the room, a second door opened into the room. "ODIN'S BALLS! Whats is that's mess what is doing here!?"
There was a very clear trail of guitar picks, strings, and cassette tapes leading into a room further down the hall. The Prince noticed that the halls were dark, dank and gloomy, in contrast to the room he had just left, it reminded him of old castles that he had heard stories of. This was far more brutal, he thought. Blindingly he followed the trail leading into an open door. This room was much smaller and darker however there was a lot to roll up here. He quickly set about darting around the room picking up everything that he came in contact with: candy, cookies, caramel squares, lollipops, sugar cubes, Oreos, wrappers. Spotting a very convenient ramp like structure that leading up to the bed and an also convenient bridge to the top of a desk he made his way toward it rolling up more candy and picking up speed. The desk was covered in parts and pieces for model tanks and airplanes and helicopters. How gloriously things stuck to his ball, and oh how it grew. Now he was picking up whole models and had cleared the desk. He made his way back to the bed where more candy stuck to him as did a stuffed bear. Now this wasn't all that metal or very sharp, in fact it might just be the opposite of sharp and metal but oh well, if it made the Katamari bigger.
He rolled on leaving the room behind to follow another trail of rollable goods, just barely hearing an out cry as someone entered the room he had just left. "The Hells!? Wheres that's my models? Where is…. DEDDY!!!!?????"
Gaming controllers, switch blades, bongos, pineapples, the trail led to yet another room. Bottles and cans littered the place, this was looking awesome to the small prince. Dashing across the room he gained speed and size picking up multicolored bottles, he was now large enough to roll up onto the bed, so he did.
"oouff. Nah Naht now, too early, too drunk. Naht now." There was a box neatly wrapped up on the bed as well as more bottles and drug paraphernalia, rolling into it as he rolled off the bed his father chimed in.
"Oooh! That is that you've found? A present from your mother and us! We thought that you could use a little reward."
The prince rolled out of the room finding less trails of things than a scattering of them. Now the Katamari was the size of a large dog, and was no longer avoidable as it encountered dark hooded people who kicked out at him and hit him with brooms and microphone stands sending him backwards and sown a set of stairs losing many things along the way.
At the bottom of the stairs he was no longer large enough to get back up the very steep stairs, but then again with those hooded figures that were very capable of kicking dog sized things at the top of them, the prince was content to explore and pick things up down here.
It was very dark and very gloomy down here. Very brutal to the young prince who had grown up on pink clouds and green pandas in his very Technicolor world. Surely this was all very brutal and metal. Continuing rolling on his very merry way he started picking up ice cream, masks, knives, hooks, sharp pointy nearly useless cell phones. Rolling into a sound proofed padded room with a lot of electronic recording devices and French toast, he picked up stacks of food, more phones, couch cushions, guitars, pieces of the drum kit. At a much larger size the ball of things rolled out, down the hall, and into yet another room.
If the prince could see beyond his growing ball he would have cried tears of blood at the shear brutality of this room. Covered ceiling to floor with morbid crap, this was what the King of all Cosmos wanted, brutal. Knives, swords, flails, spikes, guns, bayonets, suits of armor, halberds, spears, an iron maiden, a torture rack, the Spanish Inquisition.
Rolling this monstrously morbid ball of spiky brutality the prince took a wrong turn and went down another set of stairs, yet again narrowly avoiding the owner of the room.
"Muthafuckin' wheelchair bound, gonna play me some wheelchair bound. THE FUCK!? Where'sh my schit! My authentic Chivil War gunsh and Schabersh… My IRON MAIDEN?!"

Charles Foster Ofdensen was not used to band members seeking him out. He usually had to send a search party out to find and round them together for a simple band meeting. He had tried to hole a meeting around one of their meals but that proved both disatorous and dangerous as they still didn't listen to him and each of his boys had a "Pelvic Thrust Mace Belt" on. But now he stood before five grown man children, three of them clearly upset, on very drunk, and one very uncaring. He rubbed the bridge of his nose willing away the growing head ache.
"Alright boys, now tell me, one at a time, what is going on."
They exchanged looks before Murderface spoke fist, "Shomeone came and took all of my thingsh. My schords, gunsh, Chivil War regalia… my knivesh." It looked like he was ready to either hit something or cry. Possibly both knowing his love for his historical morbid crap.
"Ja. Theys takes mine thing too. But mostlies importances they takes Deddy!" It looked like poor Toki had been crying judging from the puffy red eyes.
"And I take it that the rest of you are missing your things as well?"
"Yeah, dood, my room is clean and stuff. Ya know, like no more booze." Pickles just looked confused as he swayed a bit.
"No. Mine room is a completlies mess, things what are not mines is everywhere!" Skwisgaar was upset, his normally OCD clean room was now worse than Pickles's.
Nathan remained silent, Charles turned to him to directly ask the question as the large singer often would be completely quiet unless prompted. "And you too?"
"Nope. But there's no more French toast in the recording studio, and the equipment's gone too." He went there to write songs and think without distractions, he wouldn't normaly notice if anything was missing but the lack of French toast had bothered him enough to join the others in finding the manager with the others. That and he was bored.
"So, let me get this straight, you boys are all missing things from your rooms?"
"DEDDY!!" "Chivil War!" Booze" "NO! it's a mess!" "…"
He brought his hand up to pull off his glasses and rub away the growing headache as the boys spoke at once.
"Alright. I can take you to the Security Section and we can review the tapes. Would you like that?" he figured that showing them the tapes would calm them down and show that no one had entered and stolen their things, they were probably playing a trick on each other. He hadn't received any word of a break in or any questionable activity, but anything to calm his boys down. He took them through a maze of hallways stepping over and around various objects scattered in the way. Raising an eyebrow as he stepped over a Daruma doll.
Dozens of screens flickered over the Haus grounds; hallways, bedrooms, kitchens, tennis courts, prisons, torture chambers. Charles flipped some switches and pressed some buttons. Several screens merged images and showed the hallway outside the bedrooms about twenty minutes ago. It was empty, completely bare, then all of a sudden things everywhere. Erasures, guitar strings, legos, sunglasses, mini-knives, action figures, crabs, batteries, yen coins, cookies.
"Ja, sees that is what how mine rooms look." Skwisgaar crossed his arms glad that there was a reason for his mess, and that he could prove his case. Never would there be such a mess in his room, not even after a busy night would it ever be that messy.
Movement caught their attention, the door to the Swede's room opened and something colorful rolled out and changed direction picking up the things in the hall as it made its way towards Toki's room. Charles sped up the tape and switched the camera view so that they were now looking inside the room rather than the hall. The orb was picking up everything inside the rhythmist's room; candy, models, the precious bear. Toki let out a heart wrenching sob as the bear disappeared into the ball of things.
It left the room, Charles changed camera angles again, following it into the drummer's room and watching as it picked up the mess of dirty clothes and discarded liquor bottles. It picked up a strange box and left the room, heading straight into the path of a Klokateer who gave it a swift kick sending it down the stairs. A hooded Klokateer came into the room, causing them to momentarily look away from the screens.
"My lords, sir." He addressed them apologizing for intruding, he turned to Charles. "There is a killing orb loose in the Klok quarters."
The manager tapped at the control panel, the screens now showed a live feed showing a self propelled ball of swords, bayonets, spikes, dethfurniture, and other really sharp things. The pin cushion rolled into a crowd of hooded people who ended up impaled, sliced, diced, hacked and stuck to the ball.
"Dethball rolling. Brutal." Nathan spoke into a mini voice recorder; he and the others couldn't stop watching. It was like the best train wreck ever. Charles, on the other hand, gave some orders to the present Klokateer and left the room at a run having the door locked behind him.

The Prince rolled quicker and with more enthusiasm as he felt accomplished in the brutality of the Katamari. It was also getting to a decently large size. His father always praised him when the Katamari was larger than he had asked.
More people screamed as they came at the ball brandishing medieval weaponry and were impaled on the other weapons and spikes already adhered to the crusading orb. Dozens of Klokateers had thrown themselves in the way of this threat, only to have their live forfeit. And the ball was heading towards one of the many crowds of crazed rabid fans that lurked on the edges of Mordland.
Zigzagging to pick up the greatest number of people in order to increase in size, the Prince hummed his theme song. His happy rolling was interrupted as he rolled over yet another person and the King made a comment that could be ignored.
"OH! You have picked up something strange and business like. It's CHARLES!! Oh, Charles didn't we tell you to go manage a band?" the King could be heard clearly despite being so far away. "You have thirty second left Prince."
Quickly dashing across the land he hoped that he was exponentially increasing his size by rolling up more people and things. Impaling bodies on spines or other bodies, nabbing hovercrafts, rolling up a morbid car, he was very careful about not being hit or bumping into something that would cause him to lose his precious gift or cousin.
A whistle range out. "Alright! Time's up, now let's see what you managed to roll up this time. ROYAL RAINBOW!!!!" a trippy rainbow bridge type thing came from the sky and picked up both the Prince and his Katamari of spikes and bloody corpses, it rivaled even the best or worst of Knubbler's acid trips.
The Katamari was floating above the open hand of the King of All Cosmos, the Prince stood on his father's knee as he waited for what he hoped was approval.
"OH MY! How Dark, how Metal, how BRUTAL! We love it <3. Now let's see what this is made of. 97% metal 3% annoying. Tsk tsk, it must be the fans you managed to roll up. Well you did roll up a present! What is it? We are so excited!!" The box opened appeared in his other hand and opened as if with magic, shiny wonderful bloody shoulder spikes. The Prince jumped in joy, he could be brutal now too!
"And you rolled up a cousin as well. So strange and business like, so serious. It's Charles!" Dethklok's manager was now standing in the palm of the King's hand, looking rather diminutive.
"Excuse me. Sir, King of All Cosmos. I need to ask that you return everything back, my boys are rather upset by this and it is theft. I suggest that you don't make this difficult, as this is Dethklok that you have stolen from and we have means of getting what is ours." Charles managed to stay calm and seem threatening despite the astronomical size difference between him and the King.
"But We wanted a star so metal that it repelled any light that got near it, a star so dark and brutal…" the King looked like he was going to throw a tantrum.
This was something he knew how to deal with, after all he worked for the five richest man children in the world, and they could through massive tantrums, especially Murderface. He put his hands on his hips and waited until the King looked down at him. "There is already something that is that dark and brutal, and there is no need for it to be in the sky, it would just stop being such a completely awesome force at that point in time. This thing is Dethklok, there is nothing more brutal than them, they have vowed to, as I recall, 'Make everything metal, blacker than the blackest black times infinity' which might seem impossible, but they have managed so far."
The King looked put off and made a face of disapproval. "Fine, Something so black would just ruin Our fun colorful plan anyways. You can have your things back, We don't want to be metal anyways, being colorful is so much more fun!!" He tossed the Katamari up and it shattered into a million billion pieces, everything returning back to Earth along with Charles.

He found the boys still in the security room watching the feeds and flipping through the channels.
"Hey, Charlie. Why's dere camerahs in our bedrooms? And dere's some time feeds missin' what's with dat?" Pickles faced their manager with the questions.
Not missing a beat Charles explained "Something to do with this phenomenon, The King of All Cosmos must have changed where some things were before he interfered with his trifling, after all there is still a giant squid in the pool and a large Daruma doll in the tennis court." He pointed out on the screens these anomalies.
It seemed enough for the guys as they became completely distracted and ran off to throw things and stab the squid. Mordhaus had returned to more or less the way it had been, but every now and then someone would find strange trinkets around the Haus and Murderface was still looking for his iron maiden which for some reason didn't make it back. A zombie like scream rang out from the depths of the kitchen as poor Jean-Pierre made a grizzly discovery of a forgotten Klokateer in said maiden. Brutal.

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