(LONG WALL OF TEXT AHEAD, I don't know if I'm allowed to make it this long. If I'm not, Ill remove the thread. But seriously, I appreciate anybody who can read through the whole thing. Just skim it if you want to help but don't want to read the entire thing.)

Let's see... okay, I've never actually posted in a forum like this (you know, the life issues kind of forum) as I'm the type who enjoys bottling things up and keeping to myself. But for the last few years, this has been eating me alive. I need to get it off my chest, and maybe get some advice.

Before I begin, know that this isn't a super serious life or death issue, like some of the ones in this forum. Nobody has died, and I'm NOT trying to make a mockery of this forum just because my issue is centered around a game I played years ago. So please, I'd just like advice on my next step to solving this problem of mine, not criticism or jokes.

This all starts with WoW, a game I used to play every day and every minute I could spare. I know, nerd-city, but hear me out. There's a point to why I'm starting with this. I was young (like 15-16) and my sister is 4 years older than me, and she played with me. We made some friends. Simple sounding enough, I know. But let me skip to the point.

Anyway, my sister dated a guy on the game for a little bit, let's call him "D" for now. He was like a big brother to me, and when I was upset, he would always comfort me. He also taught me everything on the game, from how to play to making the most of my character, I jokingly called him my "master" and "rogue sensei" as we were both rogues and loved the class dearly. We were extremely close. But he was dating my sister, and despite my young age I ended up developing a slight crush on him. I didn't tell my sister, and obviously I was too young for him, but I really did like him. I was getting pretty depressed seeing them together, so I ended up trying to break them up. HUGE mistake on my part, just one of many. Before I knew it, I was calling them hurtful names. I was crying to my sister like a whiny little child. I was terrible, just typing this is painful. I was sincerely upset, but underneath it, I wanted her to leave him or him to leave her. That was my motive. And it worked.

She called it off with him, saying "I don't want to make my little sister upset with us being together." So, it ended. She CLAIMS he was being clingy and annoying after I asked her about it, but I don't buy that at all. I came to him and realized how incredibly sad he was. And I tried to console him as he did with me many times. But it didn't work at all. Before I knew it, he was distant, and frankly quite upset with me. But he was mature enough to not handle it like a child.

Eventually, my sister and I quit the game. We completely disappeared, cut off all ties with everyone. I tried to forget D and my other companions on the game, but I couldn't. I never really had many friends, I was bullied alot in real life, so that's why my friends on WoW were so important to me. Now I actually have real friends, but yeah. My sister spent many nights trying to calm me, but she could never quite figure out why I was so upset. It was guilt. I felt terrible. I had, single handedly, ruined a happy relationship that had a future and I crushed it in the dirt.

I'm 19 years old now, it's been about 4 years since I was on WoW, and I STILL feel terrible. I was diagnosed with depression at age 16-17 and to this day I still talk to my psychologist about what I did. And I just wish I could have that "big brother" back in my life again. I wish he and my sister would get back together, just so I could talk to him again. I just want him in my life SOMEHOW. Heck, he probably has a different girlfriend now, but I just NEED to know he's happy and his life is treating him well. He deserves all the happiness in the world.

Call me whatever you want, but yes, I was a twisted little teen back in the day. I ruined so many good things, not just my sisters relationship.

I need to know how to sooth my guilt and just... well... be happy again. I logged into my old messenger a year ago or so and tried to figure out how I could contact him again, but he hasn't been on the account in like forever. And I can't send him an offline message in case he logs back in.

So I googled the username, and he popped up on this one wierd site and facebook. I'm wayyy too nervous to message him on facebook, and I tried messaging him on the wierd site (which I wont name because it's kind of silly) and it says he hasn't logged on in 46 days. Which is better than his messenger account, but I just pray he gets my one message and replies. Even if he curses me out or yells at me and makes me feel terrible, I told him the truth in the message and I sincerely apologized and explained the situation. Sadly, though, my "sent messages" box is empty and when I asked why it wasn't showing up there my friends told me it means something got an error and it didn't send. Great. Just great. It was a LONG message, and I hope he gets it even though the system is pointing at the fact that he didn't.

ANYWAY, I want to know what you guys think I should do. Suffer in silence, forget everything, continue to hunt him on the internet and try to find ANOTHER way to contact him, get up the courage to message him on facebook, retype the message and send it to him on that wierd site, get the courage to ask my sister to see if she remembers how to contact him, or do you think this powerful inability to let things go is apart of my depression? Or whatever you think is going on...

Thanks for reading this wall of text. I can't go more days like this, with all this guilt and unpleasant feelings swirling in my chest. I break down crying whenever someone even mentions something that reminds me of him or my friends.

Most people make mistakes like this at some point in their lives, so please don't feel like you're the only "twisted little teen" that ever existed. I assure you almost everyone has a disgusting story about their past personality that they'll never tell anyone.

Not everyone worries about these things constantly, no, but I imagine that you experience this because of your past emotional trauma and your depression.

I want to tell you I am proud of you going to a psychologist. Keep doing so. Perhaps find a new psychologist if you feel your current one no longer helps you. Perhaps you might go about finding a psychiatrist who can prescribe anti-depression meds to you to help you out. Anti-depression meds aren't something to be ashamed of--you can't control the chemicals in your brain that make you feel sad. I'm not saying you need them, I'm just saying it might be a possibility.

Now, onto your problem. I don't know if talking to him will help. It might. But it might also help you to focus on yourself. To forgive yourself. Because no matter how many times he forgives you, you'll never stop being tortured by this until you forgive yourself.

Honestly, I suggest assuming that he forgave you years ago, and then spend time on yourself. Talk with your psych and discuss ways that you could learn to love yourself. I imagine that would help you the best.

Sometimes, the only way to move on is to trust in another person's happiness and leave them behind.

Originally Posted by ElysiumFate

Most people make mistakes like this at some point in their lives, so please don't feel like you're the only "twisted little teen" that ever existed. I assure you almost everyone has a disgusting story about their past personality that they'll never tell anyone.

Thank you so much. That... actually made me feel alot better. <3

Originally Posted by ElysiumFate

I want to tell you I am proud of you going to a psychologist. Keep doing so. Perhaps find a new psychologist if you feel your current one no longer helps you. Perhaps you might go about finding a psychiatrist who can prescribe anti-depression meds to you to help you out. Anti-depression meds aren't something to be ashamed of--you can't control the chemicals in your brain that make you feel sad. I'm not saying you need them, I'm just saying it might be a possibility.

Thank you. My Psychologist has really kept me from completely losing it, I'm so happy she's in my life right now. I don't think I'll look for a new one: She's been wonderful.

As for the meds, I was a little ashamed of them at first. I hated them. I didn't mention I was on them but yeah, I tried a few a few years back but all of them didn't work well with me. For instance, I got Prozac once and my emotions just fell off a cliff. I nearly... well...ended it. It was a terribly dark time in my life. I'm not thinking such dark thoughts anymore now that I'm off of it, but I'm still pretty down on a day to day basis.

I do have a psychiatrist, she's great too, but I feel like I'm wearing her out with all these medication changes. It's some amount of this, some amount of that, but I'm right now on a dose of Abilify. I have a feeling it's not working, considering I'm still crying constantly about D and I feel like I'm a giant turd (just using that word because I hate cursing) and my hatred for myself is endless... but my mom says to give it time. I'm hoping she's right.

Originally Posted by ElysiumFate

Now, onto your problem. I don't know if talking to him will help. It might. But it might also help you to focus on yourself. To forgive yourself. Because no matter how many times he forgives you, you'll never stop being tortured by this until you forgive yourself.

Honestly, I suggest assuming that he forgave you years ago, and then spend time on yourself. Talk with your psych and discuss ways that you could learn to love yourself. I imagine that would help you the best.

You're probably right... I never really thought that it might help more if I forgive myself. I was so focused on him and the people I hurt... It's certainly easier said than done, though. I'll talk to my psychologist about what you said.

You've really given me alot to think about. You're amazing. Thank you (for the third time, sorry I keep thanking you!) Elysium.

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Originally Posted by Dystopia

Sometimes, the only way to move on is to trust in another person's happiness and leave them behind.

That's good advice. God, I don't know anymore... My heart is screaming for him, but I know some things are better left behind us. I can't let him haunt me forever.

If you sincerely want to reach out to him. Then go ahead. Try.

But he may not respond. He may not forgive you.

What's important is that you believe in his capability of finding happiness with or without you and forgive yourself.

@Coppelia: You're welcome--it's nice to know I've helped you some, as that doesn't always happen.

The thing about depression (which I've dealt with some in my life) is that the "logical" things, or the things that everyone else sees are things you're blind to because of the depression--like that fact that everybody has something they're truly ashamed of.

As per the meds--yeah, they can be dangerous, but very helpful. It's good you got yourself off the Prozac and are trying to find something else. And, honestly, if you ever fully feel that your psychiatrist is no longer interested in helping you, you should find a new one. But I doubt she is tired of you. It's her job to help you and to find what works for you.

For the forgiving yourself--yes, it's very hard. You are the hardest person you'll ever forgive, but it's worth it. If you decide to go down the path of trying to forgive yourself, you're going to have days where you say "f it, I hate this, I give up," but they'll get fewer and farther between. Perhaps they'll never fully go away, but if you keep trying you'll get to the point where there are more good days than bad, which is as it should be. Nobody has 100 good days out of 100. The goal is just to get to the point where the good outweighs the bad.

Okay, so, quick update. I just found an account on a different WoW forum D was on like 3 days ago. If I contact him, it'd probably be there. But honestly, I'm actually hesitating. As Dystopia said, he may not forgive me. Heck, he might lose it and totally snap at me if I approach him. I miss him, but I don't want to make him unhappy by reappearing... I just want him to be happy. Maybe it is better to just forgive myself and move on, leave him alone. Oh god, I don't know... I gotta be strong and resist.

... I'm currently having a mild panic attack at the moment! Excuse me for a second! ;_;

Well, I don't know anything about D as I have never met him or known him, so I can't tell you how he'd react.

Question yourself this: can you handle it if he doesn't want to talk to you? Can you handle being his friend again? Do you really want those things? Are you ready for this can of worms? Or do you just think you want these things? There's a difference.

I would move on. Try to forgive yourself.

I once tried to hold onto someone from my past, and it is the worst decision I have ever made up to this point. I found out a lot of things about him that I didn't and shouldn't have had to know.

Originally Posted by ElysiumFate

I would move on. Try to forgive yourself.

I once tried to hold onto someone from my past, and it is the worst decision I have ever made up to this point. I found out a lot of things about him that I didn't and shouldn't have had to know.

Alright, I've made my final decision: I'm going to leave him alone. :( You two have been a great help, and I appreciate all the time you spent easing me into a decision. I just... I kept telling myself that if he reacted badly, I could handle it. Now that he is within ONE message away, I'm freaking out big time. I can't handle it. Something inside me still wishes he would magically find me and send a message or something on Menewsha or facebook or... SOMETHING... heck, even if he magically called me (without knowing my number lol...) Or I'd walk into him at a store and he wouldn't be utterly disturbed that some strange, teeny girl was hugging him and sobbing like a baby...

I think I'm gonna mark this as "resolved" for now. Thanks again, guys. I'll take it day by day, and try to keep him out of my thoughts as much as he's been. You both are angels. <3

I understand those feelings. I've got a person in my past that I go back and forth on every once in awhile thinking either: "I wish I could call him and tell him what a f@*!tard he was," or "I wish I could tell him I'm sorry." BUT, in the long run, even though I know I could tell him that over facebook if I wanted, I know deep down I don't want him back in my life. Moral to the story, never do anything in passion, or fear, or worry--you'll regret it later.

Anyway, I sincerely hope you figure out your situation in a way that helps you find happiness.