So all throughout high school i had this horrible reputation of being a "slut". I never went and slept around. I never went after people just to fulfill my physical desires.
I dated a lot. Had a lot of relationships. Sometimes two relationships going on at once. Created too many unneccessary love triangles. Had too many crushes all at once. I just loved being in love. I loved the company. I loved having someone hold my hand when I went for walks. Someone who praised me and hugged me when I was sad.

I am currently 22 years old now. I have been in a relationship for 2 years. I've been faithful which has surprised a lot of people who knew me back then. I do love my boyfriend. I've wanted to be with him since I was 13 years old. It's like I'm dating a rock star that I pinned over. ...but my boyfriend is comfort. he's security and someone I plan to spend the rest of my life with.

I've also been in love with feeling sad. I love writing when I'm depressed. I missed making storylines and tragedies. I could write books about loss of love. But I can't feel that way anymore in this stable relationship.
I have been good. but... I catch the eye of a couple of people. They flirt and I allow them to. Sometimes I comment back and let them know it's okay to be playful. I never hide the fact that I'm in a relationship, but I know that if my boyfriend knew these thoughts he'd be upset. I never intend to cheat, or leave him for someone else. I just want to feel passion. I want to feel like I'm someone new and exciting for a while and then once the flames burn out I can just move on and remain happy with my boyfriend.

I feel rotten about it. But at the same time am I doing something awful?
I'm lost.

I've found someone. He says I'm interesting. He loves the way I put words together. He loves my art work and wants to hear me sing. He knows of my boyfriend, but knows that I am open to a minor flirtationship. Nothing has happened. He only converses with me, which makes me plenty happy.

I just need to know... am I a bad person?

I don't think you're a bad person. I only think that you're very greedy. Too greedy that you want to eat the whole cake and keep it whole. Which isn't possible in reality. Of course your boyfriend will be upset if he'll know what you're doing. This may also ruin the perfect relationship you have with him forever. Do you really want to sacrifice your relationship just for minor temporary pleasures of ego boost?
Ego boost is good to some degree. All women like to feel beautiful and attractive, so it's nice to sometimes being hit on and such, even if you're inside a relationship. But you must keep it at there, don't flirt back, tell them straight on "sorry, I have a boyfriend". Because if you will still continue on engaging in a conversation with a guy that you obviously know that he wants to be more than just friends with you -I personally think that you're playing with fire and disrespect your boyfriend in one of the most horrible ways a girlfriend can.

One flirt to another, I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing. Hell, I've been there, done that. However, I've also learned when to back off and stop. A long, complicated story aside, I flirted with someone else, he ended up coming over, and sleeping with me (nothing past that, thankfully). I would also like to point out that I was drunk off my butt. I had at least ten drinks and I don't remember most of the night. Hell, the guy who was with me had to tell me (and he was sad to report that nothing happened).

Regardless, I was in another country and, for some odd reason, my boyfriend called me. I was confused because why would he call me? Well, apparently, he felt something was off. He said there was just this feeling in his heart that something was wrong.

Now my boyfriend is one of those manly guys. The kind that doesn't cry. The kind that doesn't show fear. The kind that just doesn't seem to really care. But I have never felt my heart break into so many pieces over the phone. The sound of his tears, the sound of his struggling to even stay on the line, and the sound of hearing his heart rip from his chest... well, it really hit me.

The worst part was not knowing how to respond. Do I really tell him, "It wasn't me! I was being taken advantage of!" That's so out of my character. I don't let anyone boss me around. And yet, there I was, in bed with another man. To this day, I still wake up at night in a cold sweat because of it.

I still flirt, don't get me wrong. But at the end of the day, I can't imagine going home with anyone else. I can't picture me curled up beside someone else. After what I did to him, I can't do it again. I can't hurt him like that. I'm surprised he even took me back but he knew I was being taken advantage of so he dismissed it. Sometimes I catch him frowning and I know he's thinking back to that day.. He still thinks back to that pain of knowing that I was with someone else. Even if I wasn't all there mentally, it was enough to really shake his core. Hell, it was enough to shake mine.

I never want to go back to that. I never want to hurt him like that.

So, what you need to ask yourself is if it worth breaking him? Is this fling worth ripping his heart out and stomping all over it? And if you can't control the urges, I recommend you avoid this eye candy. It's terrible and hard to do, but if you really love the man you're with, don't drag him through hell because you've got to check something out.

That's my two cents on the who thing.

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Thank you all for your input.
I am well aware that I'm a flirt, though I can also be very awkward about it.
I believe I am in my right to be greedy from time to time. I am not ending up in someone else's bed. I am not even in the same room as the people who catch my eye. When my boyfriend is around I give him my full attention.

I flirt, greedily and somewhat prudish, so that if I ever need favors (i.e. a ride to work so I won't be late. or lunch money because I had to make an unexpected payment to a bill someone would be more willing to offer). I flirt with these men and women and make them feel important. I do not lie to them and give them false hopes that I would leave my relationship for them. I just acknowledge them. Compliment them on their beauty, their personalities, their taste in fashion or books or movies. I share my stories and hobbies with them and connect on a friend level. This is how I flirt. Most people when faced with the word "flirt" assume lines such as "you're hot. if i weren't with someone i'd totally be with you and/or bang you" which makes me feel so uncomfortable.

i say "you're sweet." "you are gorgeous" "i love the way you think" "you might be one of the most interesting people i've ever known" because people deserve to hear that sort of thing.
Those kinds of flirtationships feel wonderful. it feels like there is much more meaning to it. and a friendship of sorts can form from it. but even if they do not...at least we walk away from feeling at least a little more important. at least one person saw how great i can be.

Sorry... started ranting.

Once again, thank you all for your input. Yes, I am greedy. I do plan to stop. But at the moment I do not have children. I am not married. I know who it is I want and I make him feel like the most important man when I can. He is away of my flirtatious side and long before I even started this he was paranoid, but after so long of being reassured that he is my only one he has let up. From time to time I tell him and so-and-so who told me I was pretty today. Or how I thought so-and-so is talented in ____ and his moods differ depending on person. Sometimes he's okay. Sometimes he gets uncomfortable. I stop (at least with that paticular person) when he feels negatively about it.
So I will continue to play with this fire...at least for another few months or maybe a year. But eventually I will just get tired of this and stay with Mister Royal.

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Let me try to put it this way - why are you greedy in the first place? Why do you feel the need to feel "important" (as the way you say it) from a different person other than your boyfriend, even on the expense of making your boyfriend worry? Did you ever consider that perhaps something is missing in your relationship that you feel the need to "complete" yourself through other people? I'm asking this because I personally believe that people who flirt on a daily basis usually means that something's lacking in their relationship.... or in themselves. (which is a whole different subject).
You said you'll give the flirting a dead line for about a year.... I'm curious to know why did you give it a dead line? What will happen in a year? And after this year will end, do you think you can really stop?

Instead of asking strangers for their opinion of "cheating", why don't you have a conversation with your boyfriend? Once you two are familiar with each other's comfort zones, then you can agree on boundaries to respect. After that, do whatever the fuck you want, as long as it falls within the boundaries of your own relationship.

No one can tell you what "cheating" is for you, because its all dependent on what you and your lover/s are comfortable with. Respect each other's boundaries, respect the relationship, don't lie about it.

Also- Keep in mind that you need to respect what makes him uncomfortable. No matter how you justify how you "flirt" with other people- "I always give you my full attention when you're around." "Its only playing." - If it makes him uncomfortable, it makes him uncomfortable. So don't try to pressure him into bending to your boundaries- Respect his, too, and be willing to compromise.

Or not- If its not worth the compromise, then break up with him.

---------- Post added 02-24-2014 at 08:02 PM ----------

Originally Posted by thelettervee

So I will continue to play with this fire...at least for another few months or maybe a year. But eventually I will just get tired of this and stay with Mister Royal.

Oh, and none of this crap.

Have some respect. If he has an issue with how you're handling the relationship, then its shitty as fuck for you to expect him to just wait it out for a year until you get "tired" of messing with other people and ignoring his comfort zones.

I find myself agreeing with Dystopia an awful lot when she gives advice, and she's right here again.

I once had a boyfriend give me that shit line. "Let me fuck around with other people and wait for me while I do so/until I get bored of it." That is utter bullshit. I dumped his ass for that shit, and rightly so. When you're dating someone you have to give up on flirting with others and entertaining the idea of getting attention from or extra relationships with others. Unless you are in an open relationship or you have a discussion about your relationship and decide it wouldn't be damaged by a little flirting, then it's not okay to do it.

Also, I don't think you're a bad person, I just think you've got a bad idea.

The both of you, I no longer want either of you to post on this thread if all you are going to do is bicker. Neither of you are helping. You both have lost credibility in this childish arguments. It shows me that neither of you are trying to prove your point, but instead win. How on earth do you expect me to follow or keep in mind any advice if you have yet to grow up yourselves.
I will not tolerate this. What if I really nedded help and all you did was post back in forth trying to humiliate the other?! It is sickening.

To everyone else, thank you for keeping out of this and for your input.

Things that may play a role in wanting to feel more importance:
comic book creating, though popular now, is rarely taken seriously and especially hard to succeed in. The depression of trying to work on this project is getting to me.

At 19 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer and things do not look well. Life feels as though it has not reached its potential and I just want people to remember me. I have been sincere. I have been friendly.

But overall I do feel I have been faithful. No one else has touched me in these 2 years, with the exception of the time I was taken advantage of in my sleep by some horrible man.

There are a lot of things wrong with me and my life.... but my relationship is not one of them. For the most part things are wonderful. I do wish he's control his emotions more and that I could speak up without him getting moody when I want to talk about my past and other non favorable bits, but I just believe he is not ready yet. Not ready to hear about the rape. Not ready to hear about the details regarding my heart. Not ready to hear about past relationships. The things I used to discuss with my therapist.

I am not well. I just want to feel. But I don't want to feel horrible again. I've had enough of feeling horrible.

Originally Posted by Dystopia

Instead of asking strangers for their opinion of "cheating", why don't you have a conversation with your boyfriend? Once you two are familiar with each other's comfort zones, then you can agree on boundaries to respect. After that, do whatever the fuck you want, as long as it falls within the boundaries of your own relationship.

No one can tell you what "cheating" is for you, because its all dependent on what you and your lover/s are comfortable with. Respect each other's boundaries, respect the relationship, don't lie about it.

Also- Keep in mind that you need to respect what makes him uncomfortable. No matter how you justify how you "flirt" with other people- "I always give you my full attention when you're around." "Its only playing." - If it makes him uncomfortable, it makes him uncomfortable. So don't try to pressure him into bending to your boundaries- Respect his, too, and be willing to compromise.

Or not- If its not worth the compromise, then break up with him.

---------- Post added 02-24-2014 at 08:02 PM ----------



Oh, and none of this crap.

Have some respect. If he has an issue with how you're handling the relationship, then its shitty as fuck for you to expect him to just wait it out for a year until you get "tired" of messing with other people and ignoring his comfort zones.

Excellent points! Respecting one another is super important, as is getting to know how people view certain actions. Your advice sounds like the golden rule to me :)

One should treat others as one would like others to treat oneself.

I have and had no intention of starting shit in your thread. I have tried three occasions to explain that I want this out of your thread and, as stated, do intend to involve staff if any further shit arises.

My best wishes to you for dealing with your problems. If you no longer find me credible, I hope you're willing to listen to the people who have backed the points I've brought up. Communication is huge in a relationship, and so is understanding and respecting your partner's boundaries.

No matter what scars and burdens you carry, if you're in a relationship with someone, you should treat then with this understanding and respect. And unless you talk to him, you will never know how he feels about the boundaries of "cheating" and "not cheating".

@thelettervee: I'm so sorry to hear about the cancer and the other issues you mentioned.

I still don't think flirting with other people is a good idea. If you want attention and you want others to remember you, then there are better ways to get attention than by endangering your relationship (which is obviously very important to you) by flirting. Why don't you go out in public, like to a library or cafe and draw your comics there? Trust me, people will come up to you and make friends with you because they're interested in your work. That is a far better way to be remembered than as the flirt that some guy knew for a couple of months.

As for your boyfriend, just try to gradually introduce him to your problems. You've lived through some shit and that's hard for others to deal with. Not as hard as it has been for YOU to deal with, but it's still hard for people to get used to uncomfortable topics.

I think Dystopia's point is very valid.

You may not consider it cheating, and I may not consider it cheating (because giving compliments isn't really flirting is it?), but the one who decides if it's cheating is your boyfriend. If he decides it is cheating it will rip him to shreds if he finds out.

Thank you all.
I had a long talk with my boyfriend about what has been going on. He still has troubling listening to all that has gone on in my life, but we focused the conversation to our stand on "cheating" and "flirting".
He believes compliments are not really flirting as long as it does not go on to insinuate anything sexual or romantic, which is very reasonable. i reassured him that i do not go out and meet people privatly or make suspicious plans with anyone. Also pointed out that I always put him first and gave him my full attention as oppose to continuing conversations with other people. At first he was ify since he has been cheated on countless times from previous girlfriends.

I appreciate your advice and I am thankful he and I had this needed talk. I can carry on with the compliments and making people feel special as long as it is only that. Any and all romantisizing and thinking it may be anything more will stop.



(how do i make this thread state that it is resolved? )

In the title.
Go to your first post, click "Edit," then add (Resolved) after the title.
Oh wait, it's before the title, oops.
xD