Sometimes everything just goes quiet. It's like too many prescription pills, a muted tv screen. The mind quits working the way it's supposed to. The body fails. A skipped heartbeat, a slipped thought. A whisper, a touch, then you turn to find empty space. Why? The answer, I think, is what we will always be looking for.

Driving too fast, I listen to static on the radio, wondering if it's a game of patience, if eventually a voice will come. These days I've felt so blank. I've consumed too little food and too much caffeine. My insides are shaking and it's not helping my head. I've lost something, and I don't like it. I'm not depressed, I just don't feel awake. I suppose the downside of being so convincingly caustic is that when my defenses fall away and all that's left is a shadow, there's no one around to piece me back together.




\\ your turn //

I pull into a diner, and the bright neon sign blows out. An omen? I walk into the newly christened Rosie's Di er, and sit at the counter.

"What will it be tonight, love?" asks the plump, perhaps once cheery waitress.

"I would like something to fill my soul. Something strong. Something whole."

The waitress doesn't bat an eye. Her face looks tired. The once happy girl she was saw and heard too many things. She looks as if she'll dismiss me with my serious yet serious answer, but she surprises me.

"I've got just the thing for you. Coming right up, honey."

I wonder what the waitress will return with, and I wonder what I will do with it, since I've never really had much of a love for alcohol anyways. I had come here for some semblance of company. If I could sit on a stool and pretend to be a part of the rush around me, it might help me remember myself for awhile.

The waitress returns with a glass filled to the brim with a brightly colored liquid. "Something strong. Something whole. Something that touches your toes and fills your soul."

I nod to her and take the glass. I wonder what the strange drink is. It smells like fruit. The fragrance is full and strangely delightful. I take a sip of it. At first it is extraordinary, and I think to myself that alcohol isn't so bad; then the kick comes. I feel myself reeling. My whole body to my very toes feels loose. I hear myself gasping.

I take a breath and the taste mellows. The alcohol blends with the first taste and it truly is something remarkable--something to savor.

With this, perhaps I can remember for awhile.

Ah, yes! Those peaceful days I used to know so well came rushing back in an instant. This sublime beverage caused my head to spin into a vortex. Perhaps aiding me in reliving my past.

The warm sun gently carressing my body as I lay limply upon my beach towel with a bowl full of strawberries to the left of me. I glance lazily to my right side and I perceive a beauitful silohuette just 10 yards away from me. The sun was taunting me with its form. I was enamored by the way this shadowy figure lept and fell to the sand while griping a frisbee in its hand.

Oh I just have to find out who this person is. Such a simple sport and yet the way this person played it-- It was like a forbidden dance. A dance I craved for so long to melt within my soul.

"Miss, it's time to meet your fiance, lets not be late." bellowed my caretaker from behind my beach umbrella. I sighed and reluctantly packed up my belongings. As I walked 10 steps behind my caretaker I took one more glance at that shadowy form. The sun was being too cruel to me today. I still couldn't see that figures face.

Slowly my surroundings begin to swirl. I am feeling a bit light headed all of a sudden. Feels like I have been knocked over a couples of times in a jousting match. Seems my body has lost any sense of mobility.

I guess this is what a hangover feels like, after all.

"You alright, miss?"

I am being held by a stranger. I do not know where I am. The world is a cacophony that makes me shut my eyes in the futile effort to block it out.

Something cool is splashed on my face. Water.

I open my eyes and find that a kind-faced, older man is helping me sit up in a booth. What happened? My mind reels, and I remember the drink. I groan. I've never ever disgraced myself by becoming so drunk before.

The man smiles, understanding my shame. "Hey, it happens to all of us. You alright now?"

I peer at him through the fingers of my hand covering my face. "Are we ever alright? But I'll be okay. I'll live."

"Good girl." He claps his hand on my shoulder and leaves me to my thoughts.

I have always been chasing shadows and remembering dreams. Life had always been the half-glimpsed face that I was sure I could love. However, things changed. Loving shadows was pleasant but sickening, and surely my soul became sick.

Then one day I met a shadow--my fiance--my love--my ruin.

It is most certainly not the shadow I longed to be aquainted with in my recent vision. No, this person, with his long slender legs walking inch by inch closer to me, is no less than a snake in prince charming's clothing. His shadow becoming much clearer to me as he closes our gap. Oh how I wish I could escape right now. If only I could just drink that heavenly elixir once more and numb myself from this reality. But no, the heavens are not going to let me get out of this one. I must repent from my sins this way.

He is approaching me swiftly yet smoothly. His soft auburn hair following the wind's direction with every step he takes. His black coat cascading behind him as he walks near toward me. I can feel his piercing dark green eyes from behind his Armani sunglasses. I feel his breathe just inches from my faces now. I see a pearl white glove slowly come up toward my panoramic view. Here it comes...

TWACK!

"Where the hell have you been, you impudent woman!?!" he bellowed after the earth shattering smack that could be heard from miles away. I looked at him intensly with a small glint in my eyes. I am trying so hard to fight back the tears. I mustn't show him my weakness. I never did and I never will. My legs, however, couldn't hold the rest of my body any longer and I fell hard on the pavement.

As I closed my eyes once again, I took in this unfortunate reality of mine. All I could think about as my mind travelled into the unknown was; 'How the hell did he find me this time?'